/columns/135/FiTV Fiona Gardiner Mon, 21 May 2012 16:07:15 GMT 5 http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/208841/FiTV/An-apology-to-be-trusted? My parents always made me apologize when I had wronged someone. Of course, they always included the warning, “Say it like you mean it.”  It created a conundrum for me. If I was only doing it because my parents made me, the apology was insincere and useless. And if I pretended I meant it, wasn’t that just compounding the injustice? Sincerity is a rare commodity.  Or perhaps, it’s the belief in that sincerity that’s become a rarity. During the Oscars’ red carpet show, Sasha Baron Cohen gave television host, Ryan Seacrest, an ash shower during his pre-show interview.  Dressed in costume, the comedian was promoting his new movie, The Dictator. It’s not like he hadn’t threatened to pull a publicity stunt. But onlookers were still shocked when he “accidentally” spilled the ashes of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il all over Seacrest’s tuxedo. However, that was back in February. Since then, Cohen has been forced to move back the release date of his film to May 16 so that it won’t have to go head-to-head in theatres against Johnny Depp’s Dark Shadows. It appears Cohen is scrounging for more press. So this past weekend, he dropped by Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update in his Dictator persona.  He tortured Martin Scorsese and threatened Seth Meyers in front of an audience that included … Ryan Seacrest. Immediately following the skit, Cohen walked off the set to Seacrest’s seat and apologized, calling the Oscar stunt, “nothing personal.” Seacrest was touched by Cohen’s effort to smooth things over. The comedian even explained why the AI host was chosen as his victim. Veteran prankster, George Clooney, was supposed to be his target.  However, he was up for several awards, so it was decided that a pre-show dousing would not be prudent. But with someone who is all about the publicity, how can you trust his sincerity? The Oscars were months ago. Yet he doesn’t explain his actions until a week before his movie’s premiere? Of course, he did so privately, instead of in the press.  So does that make him more – or less – sincere? Well, his juvenile and un-funny high-school-esque stunt became a YouTube sensation at Seacrest’s expense.  Cohen publically used someone to further his own career on a night intended to honour the work of others. Should his mea culpa not be just as public a spectacle?  Yet, the moment it does, we have to question its timing, its syntax, its sincerity. Television creates a catch-22. Do we disbelieve anything that’s not done in public? Or do we disbelieve because … it is? Obviously, Seacrest understands the subtext. He works in the industry so he accepts the private apology for what it was.  After all, Cohen already had his airtime that night. There was little more to gain from reminding audiences of the Oscars.  And perhaps he is sorry. I sincerely hope so.    Fri, 11 May 2012 12:01:26 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/208841/FiTV/An-apology-to-be-trusted? http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/205652/FiTV/The-end-of-an-icon According to Carson Daly, “We lost an icon” when Dick Clark passed away of a heart attack at 82.  Really? An icon? At 82?  He had a stroke in 2004, sold his ownership of Dick Clark Productions in 2007, and since then, has been generally aging gracefully. But as a kind gentleman told me last week, I “don’t know Dick.”  Well, of course not.  Who did? (And why was he so angry about it?) When news came down about Clark’s death, my co-worker announced it to another, who promptly asked “Who?” Apparently, she didn’t know Dick either. But she did know Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.  Seacrest not only inherited the 37-year-old show from Clark, he has become the Clark of today’s generation. Dick Clark started out in radio at 17, and after getting his business degree, dove into television with a passion. He talked ABC into airing his little known Bandstand show across the country. He realized his career would have more longevity behind the scenes, so he started producing programs, too.  Ironically, he still hosted American ¬Band¬stand for 37 years, followed by the $25,000 Pyramid and TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes well into his 60s. This was a man ahead of his time.  Bloopers was the forerunner of both Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d and the onslaught of YouTube mistakes caught on camera.  Imagine the impact on dance and rock ‘n roll had he not brought it into American homes five days a week.  Without the respectability of his jacket and tie, parents wouldn’t have trusted America’s oldest teenager and many of their kids’ gyrations would still be limited to the basement.  Sure, Ed Sullivan allowed Elvis the Pelvis to perform from the waist up.  But Dick Clark let the kids get their groove on – and decide what songs would be hits.  So even if you don’t know Dick, you were affected by him. In 1973, he created the American Music Awards, setting the bar for numerous other awards shows that Dick Clark Productions would produce.  He was a details guy. Although Clark was known to actually schedule a meeting to start 17 minutes after the hour and run for no more than 12 minutes, he was generous in his knowledge.  And Clark never became irrelevant because he listened. At 76, he co-produced a new little show called So You Think You Can Dance. Yes, definitely an icon. Seacrest has called him “one of the greatest influences in [his] life.”  No doubt. Seacrest started in television, expanded to include radio, and now is the executive producer behind such programming as Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution and the Kardashian series. Sound familiar? Yup. He definitely knew Dick. And Dick knew us. He made us dance, laugh and get together around a TV.  And television wouldn’t be the same today without him.   Fri, 27 Apr 2012 17:07:19 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/205652/FiTV/The-end-of-an-icon http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/203869/FiTV/Anatomy-of-true-love According to the critics, love is a many-splendored thing anywhere but on TV.  While shows love to talk about romance and passion, they don’t seem to truly understand love. At least, not the long term kind. Writers excel at creating sexual tension and titillation. Some of TV’s greatest super couples include Sam and Diane (Cheers), Ross and Rachel (Friends), David and Maddie (Moonlighting), Luke and Laura (General Hospital), and Blake and Krystle (Dynasty). These were the kinds of hot and sexy relationships we wanted in our own lives. But why? We watched them fall in lust, then “in love,” break up, make up and endure months of torture due to outside forces plotting against them. Who needs this kind of stress? However, in recent months, I’ve discovered that true love is built on good Bones. At first, the relationship between Dr. Temperance ¬“Bon¬es” Brennan and Seeley Booth appears to be your typical opposites attract.  Once they stopped annoying each other, a rock solid friendship was formed. Given Brennan’s social clumsiness (she doesn’t trust feelings or understand nuances) and Booth’s personal demons (he was abused by a drunken father ), it’s taken years to understand, accept and support one another.  Beyond a kiss or two, the relationship never went beyond friendship for fear of losing a connection that meant more than any other in their lives.  Then, in a moment of despair at the death of a co-worker, Booth and Brennan turned to each other. And still, we did not see it.  Literally. The writers didn’t give us so much as a smooch. While we waited and wondered, Brennan announced she was pregnant and Booth smiled.  And again, nothing – until months later, when she was big with baby and they were figuring out finances and living arrangements.  The timing was due to the real-life pregnancy of actress Emily Deschanel. But the writers had options.  And they have simply done everything wrong – that is, according to the rules on how to keep sexual tension alive on TV.  Instead of focusing on the heat and sex of a new relationship, writers have concentrated on the joining of the couple’s personal lives and independent natures.  Even now, with the arrival of baby Christine, Brennan, who’s always seen the world on a purely theoretical and factual level, is discovering the depth of her emotional ties to her daughter.  So rather than sending her to TV daycare-land so we can focus on her hot, sexy parents getting romantic again, writers are letting our beloved couple grow and change with every gurgle and coo.  And fans are loving it! It’s a TV miracle. By breaking all the rules, they’ve finally discovered what we’ve always known – that watching a relationship deepen and mature is more fun than the chase. And isn’t that the kind of love we’re all after?   Thu, 19 Apr 2012 11:41:34 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/203869/FiTV/Anatomy-of-true-love http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/201315/FiTV/Bully-for-you! At times like these, I’m truly relieved to be a Canadian.  While the movie, Bully, continues to create a stir in the U.S. long before it’s been released in theatres, Canucks are complacently awaiting April 2.  That’s when the much-heralded documentary about bullying will be released here. Our provincial rating systems have granted Bully PG-status, noting that this film could affect great change in schools and in society.  Meanwhile, the U.S. Motion Picture Association of ¬A¬me¬rica, or MPAA, has rated the film as restricted.  This means teens under 17 must be accompanied by an adult and the film cannot be shown in most school systems. Since 1922, the goal of the MPAA was, among other things, to limit government interference in filmmaking by creating an industry-led self-censorship. This became their ratings system. Today, Chris Dodd, the CEO of the MPAA, says that the organization does not make qualitative judgements when rating a film.  They simply use standard objective criteria – in this case, the number of times an f-bomb was dropped. It occurs during a scene where a young boy is threatened on a school bus. The quantity of the profanity in the scene forced the MPAA to give it an R-rating.  According to Dodd, the association’s “hands are tied.” But that’s not quite true. The original 1920s rating system was referred to as the Hays Code, for former Postmaster General William Hays.  In the late 1960s, given the societal changes, the Hays Code was revised to reflect the new social norms. So why can they not create new ratings for documentaries or films of social importance today?  How can Dodd claim to be tied by rules when the MPAA creates them in the first place?  And if the purpose of today’s MPAA is to inform parents of a film’s content, the R-rating has missed its mark. By definition, an R-rated movie “may include adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements.” Of course, this definition includes further explanation. But how many parents will read beyond that sentence?  The movie Bully does have harsh language and some violence in a couple of scenes. However, isn’t that the point of the movie – and what producers are trying to change? As our films and television series continue to become more true-to-life, the imprecise PG to NC-17 categories aren’t going to do the job.  If the MPAA wants to inform, they should do just that.  That’s why television ratings break down their warnings to specifically outline the type of content, whether it be ¬lan¬guage, sexuality, violence or otherwise.  The Parents Television Council is pleased with the rating. Meanwhile, a Michigan teen has over 400,000 signatures – including politicians’ – on a petition to get it changed.  In the end, everyone’s trying to do what’s best for the film, the parents, and our teens.  And what’s best is a change for the better.   Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:55:02 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/201315/FiTV/Bully-for-you! http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/199683/FiTV/Bully-for-you! At times like these, I’m truly relieved to be a Canadian.  While the movie, Bully, continues to create a stir in the U.S. long before it’s been released in theatres, Canucks are complacently awaiting April 2.  That’s when the much-heralded documentary about bullying will be released here. Our provincial rating systems have granted Bully PG-status, noting that this film could affect great change in schools and in society.  Meanwhile, the U.S. Motion Picture Association of America, or MPAA, has rated the film as restricted.  This means teens under 17 must be accompanied by an adult and the film cannot be shown in most school systems. Since 1922, the goal of the MPAA was, among other things, to limit government interference in filmmaking by creating an industry-led self-censorship. This became their ratings system. Today, Chris Dodd, the CEO of the MPAA, says that the organization does not make qualitative judgements when rating a film.  They simply use standard objective criteria – in this case, the number of times an f-bomb was dropped. It occurs during a scene where a young boy is threatened on a school bus. The quantity of the profanity in the scene forced the MPAA to give it an R-rating.  According to Dodd, the association’s “hands are tied.” But that’s not quite true. The original 1920s rating system was referred to as the Hays Code, for former Postmaster General William Hays.  In the late 1960s, given the societal changes, the Hays Code was revised to reflect the new social norms. So why can they not create new ratings for documentaries or films of social importance today?  How can Dodd claim to be tied by rules when the MPAA creates them in the first place?  And if the purpose of today’s MPAA is to inform parents of a film’s content, the R-rating has missed its mark. By definition, an R-rated movie “may include adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements.” Of course, this definition includes further explanation. But how many parents will read beyond that sentence?  The movie Bully does have harsh language and some violence in a couple of scenes. However, isn’t that the point of the movie – and what producers are trying to change? As our films and television series continue to become more true-to-life, the imprecise PG to NC-17 categories aren’t going to do the job.  If the MPAA wants to inform, they should do just that.  That’s why television ratings break down their warnings to specifically outline the type of content, whether it be ¬lan¬guage, sexuality, violence or otherwise.  The Parents Television Council is pleased with the rating. Meanwhile, a Michigan teen has over 400,000 signatures – including politicians’ – on a petition to get it changed.  In the end, everyone’s trying to do what’s best for the film, the parents, and our teens.  And what’s best is a change for the better.   Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:12:25 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/199683/FiTV/Bully-for-you! http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/198478/FiTV/March-Madness If I say March festivities, what comes to mind? Some might say St. Patrick’s Day. With stores and commercials going green for even the most non-Irish of products, it’s certainly getting some airtime.  Ironically, I didn’t see many leprechauns in actual network programming – 30 Rock notwithstanding. But then, how many scripted primetime shows could truly translate the magic of green beer and a mechanical bull? (Or is that just a local thing?) Some of you might revel in March Break – which, according to many parents, is hardly a break at all.   Others look forward to a three week over-run of college basketball sporting the most befitting moniker, March Madness. (Seeing my favourite shows stuck on hiatus certainly leaves me P.O.’d!) Otherwise, few see the true magic of the month.  No, the rising temperatures nix plans for skiing, ice-fishing and snowmobiling.  The remaining soggy mess delays spring sports.  And many of us are busy rediscovering mounds of “what the?” in our yards. But what about all those unsung holidays of March? The ones so often overlooked by Hollywood, primetime and basketball scouts. And there are a few. This year, March started with Freedom to Read Week. Maybe it would catch on more if it was Freedom to Watch TV.  March is also Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, Kidney Month, National Social Work Month, Nutrition Month and Red Cross Month.  So we have to focus on helping others, feeding ourselves, giving social support and monitoring both our number ones and our number twos.  Amid these month-long goals, we also have Pharmacist Awareness Week, Canadian Agricultural Safety Week – which just happens to coincide with World Glaucoma Week – Brain Awareness Week (don’t want to forget about that!) and Poison Prevention Week. Then there are the “Days.”  March 8 was International Women’s Day – ironically, a largely localized celebration with minimal international media coverage.  The 14th was Pi Day – otherwise known as the Great Day of the Nerd. (I should know. Rumour has it I still am one.) Pi Day celebrates that great number that continues forever without repeating. How could you not give it its own day? The Ides of March (15) can be so unkind. Poor Julius Caesar! Stabbed 23 times! Well, you can’t say he wasn’t warned.  But he missed the start of spring and the seasonal return of the FedEX guy’s shorts.  World Water Day could be a huge hit. Everybody grab a pool noodle!  However, World Tuberculosis Day may be a harder sell.  And Purple Day isn’t just for epileptics anymore. March 22, 24 and 26 if you missed them in your day-planner! Maybe if we can get the media on board with some of these lesser known March parties, they’ll catch on.  Everything seems more exciting if it’s on the tube. How else can you explain Kim Kardashian?  For now, I’ll just keep spreading the word on my own – after I check my kidneys.   Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:05:16 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/198478/FiTV/March-Madness http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/197063/FiTV/Kony-conundrum Last week, I received a link to a popular video and campaign. It’s about Joseph Kony who ran the LRA, or Lord’s Resistance Army, in Uganda by kidnapping children and turning them into soldiers who raped and killed their friends and family at his bidding. He was indicted by the International Criminal Court at The Hague in 2005 on 33 counts of Crimes Against Humanity and War Crimes. The film, Kony 2012, has hit YouTube and social media sites, asking young people to pass it on and donate to the cause. And they have. Because donating will allow them to share the message and find Kony so that he can be stopped and uh, … I’m sorry. What? OK, grab a map and follow me. A Canadian donating to an American site will help find a Ugandan warlord who’s been in hiding in the Congo for six years? The idea behind the campaign is actually pretty nifty. The government will only send troops to help find Kony if they think American citizens are behind it. So the campaign says: Make Kony famous. Americans get fired up. Government sends out the troops. Kony is caught. Children are safe. Unfortunately, I’ve been drowning in the growing media propaganda surrounding this campaign. The organization behind the video, Invisible Children has received mixed reviews from the Better Business Bureau and Charity Navigator. Only 32 per cent of donations actually reach Uganda. Of course, this could just be typical organizational “growing pains.” The film, itself, offers few facts about Kony or the LRA that don’t pre-date 2006. Current reports state that the LRA has dwindled to less than 250 and hasn’t been in Uganda for six years. The campaign focuses on getting 20 Twitter-crazed “cultural icons” like Rihanna, Ryan Seacrest and Mark Zuckerberg involved – people more likely to tweet before asking any questions. Zuckerberg might, if his Facebook wasn’t promoted throughout the film. So while I don’t care which Twit is tweeting the message, you have to admit the method is effective. There are also a lot of political questions about Uganda. It’s a dictatorship with a history of murder, rape and pillaging by government soldiers. Then there’s the recent violent and forcible eviction of villagers – for the sake of “global warming” – that coincided with the discovery of large oil deposits in the area. And IC’s campaign supports their involvement? Will this Make Kony Famous campaign succeed in capturing him? Doubtful. It’s just not as simple as the film would suggest. But in a time when we are more connected than ever, I am continually amazed at our cultural ignorance. So I commend Kony 2012’s ability to make us take notice of the world beyond our backyard. I’m proud that young people are willing to spend April 20 plastering Kony’s picture everywhere to make a statement. Hopefully, they’ll tweet about other organizations in Uganda too. But at least they’re doing something. And possibly Twitter (shudder) and a little “something” could one day change the world.   Fri, 16 Mar 2012 14:25:02 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/197063/FiTV/Kony-conundrum http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/195204/FiTV/The-problem-with-public-platforms Today’s media allows everyone a chance to be heard.  We can speak our minds and share our ideas throughout the world.  Unfortunately, we seem to be doing so with such joyful abandon that there is little thought given to the consequences or the responsibility that go with having a public voice. Rush Limbaugh proved that even 20 years of experience doesn’t always hone one’s judgement.  In fact, Limbaugh’s three-day attack on activist Sandra Fluke’s congressional testimony proved only that his years in front of a microphone have given him a wealth of synonyms for the word “slut.”  And his recent apology has been scrutinized and found to be almost more insulting that the initial verbal attack.  To paraphrase: I have the money and the prestige but for the sake of the advertisers, “mea culpa” – even though I still believe everything I said. This is a paid professional pundit of two decades who still cannot clean up his diatribe or use his inside voice.  If you can’t argue your position without taking personal pot-shots, perhaps it’s not as strong as you thought. Unfortunately, the bar has been set by the pros such as Limbaugh, Ed Schultz (who called Laura Ingraham a “right-wing slut”), and Don Imus (who called the Rutgers women’s basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos”).  And now, the Internet allows others to follow in their footsteps. A North Carolina teen posted on her Facebook page some rather heated commentary about her parents, their request that she get a job and their rules that she do chores around the house.  She posted it using her computer which her father had bought and recently had upgraded for her.  In retaliation, her dad posted a video. Sitting in a field, he read her complaints and added his own rant about her. Then he pulled out a .45-caliber handgun and shot her computer eight times. One bullet was apparently on behalf of her mother. Police and child-protection agencies eventually showed up but the video – which has had more than 22 million views – has people laughing and cheering for the beleaguered dad.  Even the ladies of The Talk felt he was justified and the girl deserved it. Are they suggesting that shooting a computer eight times is an appropriate parental reaction when a teenager acts out? Who’s the adult here?  And we live in a competitive society. Someone somewhere sometime soon is going to try to one-up the pistol-packin’ poppa on YouTube.  Maybe we’re making it too easy for everyone to speak their minds in the media.  People need to take responsibility for the wrath they put “out there.”  Otherwise, it might be time to pull the reins on this whole freedom of speech thing.  Of course, that could mean I may have to go back to muttering to myself in the corner.   Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:34:06 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/195204/FiTV/The-problem-with-public-platforms http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/191570/FiTV/The-name-game I hated my name as a kid.  At that time, there was no Fiona Apple or Princess Fiona. And being a shy and quiet kid, nobody could make out my name.  So I’d say it again, louder. They’d look confused. “Weeona?  Leona?” So I’d try again, this time screwing up my face as I over-enunciated every consonant and vowel.  It’s only five letters. How hard could it be? But most people just looked at me funny and nodded their heads to appease me. What’s in a name? Forget Shakespeare. Just ask Jason Bateman who lovingly gazed into his newborn daughter’s eyes and then put “Maple” on her birth certificate.  Or Jason Lee who should be punished for crimes against humanity after naming his son Pilot Inspektor. And I cannot wait for the day when Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid retaliates for getting stuck with “Apple.” In Hollywood, a name is everything and it’s usually fake. Only in Tinsel Town would someone drop the handle they were born with in favour of Engelbert Humperdinck.  So the name has power. And as pilot season is now upon us – that special time of year when the industry tries out potential new shows – the five major networks have been name dropping like M&M’s in a bunny cage: that of the shows, the actors, the producers and the writers. Some readers might be thrilled to discover that Natalie Portman is executive producing something or that Kevin Bacon is coming to series television.  But the only names I’m interested in belong to the shows, themselves. The name sets the stage.  Short and sweet is good, but it should catch your interest and be somewhat informative – which is why, when the time comes, I’ll skip Applebaum, Trooper and Rebounding.  Some names give the show an obvious context – but not in a good way. Friend Me, White Van Man, Super Fun Night and Widow Detective could definitely use some re-tooling. A really long title may stand out, but people will tire of having to say it.  Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter were obvious in their mid-season abbreviations.  But what do you do with How to Live With Your Parents for the Rest of Your Life?  They could go the initial route like HIMYM for How I Met Your Mother.  But that would be HTLWYPFTROYL – which might as well be the bottom line on an eye chart. Of course, the pilot list also includes shows that have foregone a formal title – obviously, for fear of my extensively scientific method of weeding out the substandard productions.  There’s the Untitled Nick Stoller Project, the Untitled Ralph Lamb Project, the Untitled Kevin Williamson Project …. Thus far, there’s only a handful of titles on the pilot list that interest me.  Of course, all these names could change before you and I set our PVRs – and fortunately, they probably will.   Fri, 24 Feb 2012 11:26:41 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/191570/FiTV/The-name-game http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/190102/FiTV/Calling-all-the-single-ladies Canada has often played kid brother to the U.S.  We’re not as flashy as our sibling but we do all right. We make friends easily because of our connection to the popular kid. And in recent years, we’ve received a few hand-me-downs – the most recent being The Bachelor Canada.  And hold on to your stilettos girls, Citytv is holding auditions from coast to coast for the show starting on Feb. 19 in Vancouver.  That will be followed by Calgary, Winnipeg, Toronto, Montreal and Halifax.  According to the rules, the ladies must be single, based on the producer’s definition of “single.”  Really? If they need a definition of the term, perhaps “lady” doesn’t really apply here.  They must also be at least 19 – because by that age, we know exactly how to choose a life-mate. The show’s executive producer says they’re searching for bachelorettes who “represent the true scope of the vibrant, fun and fearless women here in Canada.”  Notice how they didn’t say intelligent. (They do, after all, want applicants.)  In fact, they want gals who will skydive, ski, parasail, but not sue them for any injuries sustained during filming.  Apparently, risky behaviour is the key to true love, or in this case, the key to this “extraordinary opportunity for [those] on a quest for love.”  Again, really? Out of 23 seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, only one couple has made it to matrimony. Oh, there have been a few marriages between former contestants. Got to love such a big happy incestuous family.  But given the success rate of the rose ceremony, who would go this route? While the cameras role, you cannot be anything resembling yourself. So choose your character wisely. Are you the diva who might be too high maintenance? Or the girl-next-door that could be missed altogether?  Will you catfight for the drama and to heck with your self-respect?  Or be a lady and bore viewers to tears? Of course, at some point, there will be a hot tub. There’s always a hot tub.  So start doing those squats ladies! There’s nothing worse than a sea of post-Canadian-winter cellulite and white skin magnified in bubbling green-tinged water.  And producers definitely want to keep this Canadian. But what exactly does that mean? The U.S. show travelled all over the world and maintained its American roots. Will our dates have to involve eating boiled maple sugar on snow or clubbing a harp seal?  And the girls applying don’t even know who the guy is yet. How far would you go for a blind date?  Remember, it’s not about a good match. It’s about good TV.   But this is Canada and we certainly approach things a little differently here. So this fall, I personally can’t wait to hear what comes after those famous words, “Never before in Bachelor history …”   Fri, 17 Feb 2012 13:44:51 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/190102/FiTV/Calling-all-the-single-ladies http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/188316/FiTV/Who's-watching-the-football-game? Rumour has it there was a football game on Sunday. I’m taking this under advisement as Monday morning’s media chatter seemed to focus on other, more important matters: commercials costing $3.5 million, someone’s egregious digit, and an underwear model whining about her husband’s lack of dexterity.  You’d expect Super Bowl XLVI to be the number one most talked about show – and it is. But who talked about the game? In the days leading up to it, companies were leaking previews of their game-day commercials while restaurants were promoting their nacho platters on CNN.  And $3.5 million for 30 seconds of airtime? Why spend so much when non-NFLers like myself could see it for free online?  And some of the best ads seemed to go to the dogs – losing weight to chase a Volks-waggin’; committing cat-ricide and buying a witness’ silence with Doritos; moonwalking across the finish line in a pair of Skechers. Despite playing second fiddle to a few puppies, human stars also jumped on the bandwagon.  Clint Eastwood shocked and yes, disappointed me with his “Ode to America” in the form of a Chrysler commercial. Jerry Seinfeld was expected, but Matthew Broderick? My Ferris would never have sold himself out.  Madonna’s half-time show brought cheers and jeers with dozens of dancers, a collection of guest artists and even a tightrope walker.  But she was a surprisingly tame and family-friendly Material Girl.  Then came M.I.A.’s misplaced middle finger.  You’d think sharing the stage with Madge would bring enough prestige and notoriety.  Apparently not.  M.I.A. created her own “wardrobe malfunction” that censors didn’t catch in time. While many didn’t even know who she was, the British singer was certainly going to make sure they talked about her.  Ironic, given her moniker.  And then there’s Gisele Bundchen’s post-game show-stopper.  Ah, my poor, simple-minded Tweet! First, she begged friends to pray for her husband. Apparently, the Church of Football is looking for new parishioners.  Then, after the loss, she blamed it on Tom Brady’s inability to throw and catch the ball at the same time – shouldn’t he be able to do at least one? – and his teammates’ tendencies to drop it like it’s hot.  I guess there’s a reason why models are usually seen, not heard.  No, despite a thrilling game and the most watched show in U.S. history, the hoopla surrounding the Super Bowl has, once again, focused on, well, … the hoopla … instead of the bowl.  These are the two best teams in the league this year; true Gladiators of the Gridiron.  They are rough, tough, overpaid, and likely to show the effects of CTE brain damage in a few years.  But instead of focusing on their tight ends, we were entranced by a GoDaddy.com commercial and a hand gesture.  Perhaps they should just get rid of the football altogether.  It really seems superfluous when a finger is in the spotlight.    Thu, 09 Feb 2012 10:58:47 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/188316/FiTV/Who's-watching-the-football-game? http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/187207/FiTV/Enough-swearing,-Fudge-darn-it I don’t know how old I was when I learned my first curse word. I do, however, have a fairly clear recollection of the first time I tasted a bar of soap that followed said word.  Recently, toddler Lily on ABC’s Modern Family uttered her first swear: “Fudge.”  Actually, the word was bleeped and her mouth visually digitized so we have no idea what was said.  The actors and crew on the set swear – no pun intended – that the pint-sized actress said “fudge.”  Which makes me wonder why everyone got so worked up about it.  Inside the Actors Studio always finishes the interview with a series of 10 questions by French television personality, Gerard Pivot.  The most popular and anticipated is always number seven:  What’s your favourite curse word? What are we? Twelve? We can’t wait to hear the bad word that some actor likes to use? In case you’re wondering, the most popular is not “fudge.”  But for the Parents Television Council and several anti-cussing groups, it wasn’t just the word that shocked.  It was its inclusion in the episode and its use by a toddler. They claimed it was irresponsible to show this on television where other children could learn it too.  Apparently, children of the world have never heard “fudge” around them.  Thank goodness we left them in that bubble. However, according to a New York University professor of communicative sciences, swearing is firmly embedded in the brain at an early age. (So someone out there is already fudging up our kids anyway.)  Because of the emotional component of the words, stroke victims who have trouble remembering everyday words can still cuss like a sailor.  Ironically, there is a positive side to swearing.  According to a psychologist in the study of psycholinguistics at Massachusetts College, swearing increases aggression.  This allows the body to increase its pain tolerance in extreme conditions.   It also allows humans to be verbally aggressive without deteriorating to physical aggression.  So maybe the odd “fudge” isn’t a bad thing under the right circumstance. Besides, experts say that nobody learns to swear from television.  “We learn … from our siblings, from our parents, from the backyard.”  These are the people with an emotional connection to us at that early age – which is why Lily kept “fudging” when she saw how it made one of her dads laugh. Of course, this is all fudgin’ moot.  Kids at home watching Modern Family heard a sensor bleep. Then their own parents laughing.  Another bleep.  More laughter.  So apparently, the next generation of children will grow up to make bleeping noises and crying at every ow-ie.  Or you can learn to live with a little fudge in your life. Of course, there are alternatives. Personally, I like piddle-futz.   Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:49:16 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/187207/FiTV/Enough-swearing,-Fudge-darn-it http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/183163/FiTV/That's-just-nasty Over the holidays, I indulged in a few marathon sessions aimed at catching up on my saved PVR recordings from the fall.  During these sloth-like sessions I noticed something in particular. Is it just me or is television trying to gross us out? True, I’ve always been a bit squeamish. Blood’s not a problem, but other bodily fluids will cause me a few facial spasms and a bit of excess bile.  Consequently, you won’t see me glued to the set for hit cable shows like The Walking Dead and Dexter. Apparently, others are not as put off by the visuals of gaping wounds or dismembered bodies.  But hey, everybody’s different.  That’s why they created the remote control. (That, and we couch potatoes were too lazy to turn the dial. Of course, now there’s no dial to turn so once again, it seems that the potatoes have won.) I know that the CSI franchises will try to push the Envelope of Ew in every episode as they emphasize the science of catching the bad guy.  And with fair media warning, I knew that TLC’s Virgin Diaries was going to have lip-lock moments that, rather than full widescreen format, might better be viewed on a little Windows media player via YouTube. What has surprised me is the amount of ick popping up in otherwise seemingly safe TV fodder. Traditional network programs are now sneaking in realistic, graphic and gritty images without telling me. If I wanted realism, would I be watching TV? I’ve been lured into Once Upon a Time with its Into the Woods-style backstories that intertwine and show another side of our childhood fairy tales. It’s creative and interesting, dragging the viewer back and forth between the characters’ present and their fairy tale past.  Unfortunately, it’s also tapping into my aversion to poor dental hygiene. Rumpelstiltskin – a.k.a. Mr. Gold – of today could use an orthodontist.  But his fairy tale persona looks like he’s been chewing on a week’s worth of red gummy worms.  NBC’s Grimm fares no better.  The ghouls, goblins, gargoyles and gore of this show are more than my stomach can bear.  I much prefer the sanitized and Disney-fied versions of my childhood.  And while my favourite album was a collection of Grimm’s fables, Danny Kaye’s voice was a creepy enough narrator for my over-active imagination.  I certainly didn’t need the images personified in high-def. Of course, not all the goo on network TV is due to fairyland.  Based on its title, Fear Factor should pit man against his greatest terrors.  However, I doubt anyone’s anxiety is centred around a Horse Rectum or Maggoty Cheese as some of the stunts were labeled.  And now Rob Schneider is starring in his own prime time comedy! Is there no end to the ick? It’s enough to make me lose my appetite. But I guess after a holiday of excess and couch potato-ing, it may just be the best diet plan around.  Thu, 12 Jan 2012 09:58:55 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/183163/FiTV/That's-just-nasty http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/180720/FiTV/Best-and-worst-of-the-season At this time of year, we see the best and the worst in people.  The worst?  Well, my mother stood in line for an hour in one store only to have some woman suddenly step in front of her 10 feet from the check-out.  And the best? The news has been full of it. The Humane Society and the Salvation Army are just two stories of how residents have come through when things were tough.    Yes, folks, these are the people in your neighbourhood. Not bad, huh? Of course, everybody celebrates the season in his or her own way.  Some donate. Others decorate.  The news story of the 12 Days of Christmas house caused some controversy.  While some claim it’s a waste of resources and money, it’s brought magic to hundreds who stop by. Besides, with all the goodwill toward men, perhaps we shouldn’t be too hard on those whose idea of Christmas is not the same as our own – however misguided.  Like the truck driver who put a reindeer head on the front of his vehicle.  Unfortunately, the sight of Rudolph flattened into his front grill screamed “Road Kill!” rather than “Tides of Joy!”  And I couldn’t help but check out his back end for evidence of a sleigh dragging in the undercarriage.  Fortunately, a few hours of It’s a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street wiped that image from my mind.  Plus, a few shows honoured the season without going overboard.  For example, I’m not usually a fan of the annual “Very Merry Episode,” but Harry’s Law featured a war veteran who was denied his Purple Cross.  Usually, the American patriot thing is so over the top that my gag reflexes take over. But this was a story of survival, pride and hope that struck exactly the right Christmas chord.  And if ever there was a show designed to celebrate Christmas, it’s Glee. For the most part, their black and white ode to the ’60s holiday special was fun. But why did they sing Do They Know It’s Christmas as their grand finale? Who sings about starving kids in Africa at a homeless shelter?  For what it’s worth, they made up for this faux pas by also re-airing last year’s masterpiece spoof on How the Grinch Stole Christmas. And with that, all is forgiven.  My only real disappointment is that CBC seems to have given up on the classics of my childhood.  Late-night airings of The Bishop’s Wife, White  Christmas, Christmas in Connecticut and The Bells of St. Mary’s have been missing the last few years.  All in all, the season has been full of ups and downs. But I hope that everyone finds a moment of peace in the midst of the hoopla.  After all, that star in the sky never made a peep but lit the world for all to see.   Fri, 23 Dec 2011 13:11:49 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/180720/FiTV/Best-and-worst-of-the-season http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/179663/FiTV/Who-stole-Santa? When I think of the big elf, I’m transported back to my childhood when, every Christmas Eve, I’d pull out my copy of T’was the Night Before Christmas to read.  Then I’d make a ham sandwich and put it out with a drink for Santa. A well-balanced diet is important and I figured he’d be sick of cookies by the time he got to my place. At no point did the Santa of my little-girl heart ever hustle a Mercedes or, yeesh, a Chevy. Then again, he didn’t have a daughter who was a corporate executive in New York either.  He didn’t die falling off a roof, have a bitter older brother named Fred, or go to court to prove his – dare I say it? – Santaty.  No wonder kids today are so confused and jaded. Each story contradicts the previous. While amusing and yes, occasionally heart-warming, these images are destroying the sanctity of Santa. Maybe I’m too sensitive on the subject.  But for decades, children went to sleep with visions of sugarplums … sugar-wha? … anyway, dancing in their heads. They were surrounded in the security that if they behaved, a mystical man would fulfill all their dreams by morning. And what did they call him?  No, not just Santa Claus. He went by St. Nicholas – a freaking saint, people! And Father Christmas. Do you want to mess with Daddy? Despite the initial honours bestowed, by 2011 he’s been shanghaied for the latest Movie of the Week and forced into commercial labour by advertisers.  His early Canadian Tire cameos were bad enough as he encouraged shoppers to “Give like Santa.  Save like Scrooge.” But now he’s relegated to personally cruising the aisles for the best deals. Meanwhile, YouTube videos are turning Papa Noel into a peeping Tom in the window. Another has him coming through the TV screen à la Poltergeist.  Does this mean they’re finally proving his existence for the nay-sayers? Of course not. Everyone knows that you can’t videotape something that moves at the speed of Christmas lights. Where is the respect? Did it disappear with Frank Capra? Every element of the Santa Claus mystique has been sold to the highest bidder.  The North Pole has been trampled by Hollywood and those poor reindeer are in survival mode.  And don’t get me started on the poor elves sold into retail slavery for the sake of Verizon Wireless. We’ve all seen the ads with their ultra-white workspace.  They’ll be snowblind before the first cookie break! I appreciate the attempt to keep the holiday spirit alive despite our attachment to the bottom line. But can we leave Santa Claus alone?  He’s got enough to do between now and Christmas Eve. And I, for one, don’t want to get on his bad side.   Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:25:06 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/179663/FiTV/Who-stole-Santa? http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/178253/FiTV/Fascinating,-frustrating Over the years, I’ve found that I enjoy relaxing outside, watching the world go by.  This year marks Barbara Walter’s 19th season of people-watching – specifically, The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011.  Although the show doesn’t air until Dec. 14, ABC leaked most of the countdown last week. And already, people are ticked.  Causing the greatest reaction is the inclusion of the Kardashian clan – Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Kris. This socialite family with seemingly no redeeming qualities has blanketed the media with their exploits.  Even a 72-day marriage doesn’t seem to embarrass the family, instead giving them more tabloid fodder. Yet bloggers and the general public have been up in arms that Babs would consider them “fascinating.”  They’ve been further disgusted by the addition of Britain’s rudest man, Simon Cowell, singer Katy Perry, royal-in-law Pippa Middleton, Donald Trump and Modern Family actors Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet to the list. By definition, fascinating means possessing the power to charm or attract attention. So do these people fulfill that requirement? Love ‘em or hate ‘em, these folks have made headlines. Donald Trump once contemplated a run for president.  Now he’s been asked to moderate a ¬Re¬pub¬lican presidential debate in Iowa this month – effectively killing any lingering credibility in American politics today. Katy Perry has ¬roc¬keted up the music charts despite a reputation for off-key live performances and an over-exposed visit to Sesame Street. She’s Betty Boop without the personality but at least she tries not to offend.  The Modern Family actors are just that: actors.  The interest is in their hit show and their ground-breaking characters, not them. Meanwhile, Pippa Middleton is basically as interesting as a glass of sand. It might be cool at the beach, but at home? It’s cat litter.  And then there’s Simon Cowell. As a music producer, his job is to find and mold talent.  Which makes him the wrapping paper on a Christmas present. It sets the stage but really, it’s all about the gift inside.  So they’re on the list because people – not necessarily Barbara – are paying attention to them. And she’s going to look into it. But what if her list were about the people who should fascinate us? What if she talked about the 70-year-old cancer patient who has run 59 marathons since his diagnosis eight years ago? Personally, I live for the day I hear Babs say, “According to media and social network hits, this person is fascinating. And there’s absolutely no reason why.”  According to Oscar Wilde, “there are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating – people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.”  How nice of Babs to prove half of that theory. Check out www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings.   Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:03:45 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/178253/FiTV/Fascinating,-frustrating http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/177058/FiTV/Premature-Christmas I’ve never totally understood my obsessive-compulsive need to shop early for Christmas.  Sure, there are logical explanations for it: family obligations, work schedule in December, my role as the youngest child and a couple of mentally questionable ancestors. This year, I got most of it done in July. But I know I’m not the norm. So I have to wonder why this year, people didn’t realize ¬Christ¬mas had started too soon! Case in point:  Nov. 1, I entered my mother’s ¬a¬part¬ment building as the office staff were pulling the pumpkins and decorating a tree in the lobby.  The same day, advertisers started their holiday campaigns with Christmas commercials popping up all over the TV. And every church in town seemed to have a Christmas tea and bazaar during the month.  Oddly enough, you rarely find a Christmas tea in December.  It’s no wonder you often hear the words “it doesn’t feel like Christmas yet” just a week before Dec. 25.  Instead of enhancing the holiday spirit, the festive brouhaha is prematurely inserted like part of a to-do list.  And it confuses matters, to say the least.  For example, how can Christmas wreaths and poppies co-exist?  You don’t finish “Taps” with “fa-la-la-la-la.” This year proved that Mother Nature can also still drop double-digit daytime highs until mid-month.  In fact, I saw one die-hard at the golf course working on his slice – in shorts – on Nov. 13. And nothing says Happy  Holidays quite like a dude in ¬Ber¬mu¬das.  So let’s re-think this.  Maybe the end of Halloween should not automatically mean the start of Christmas. But when should it begin? Here are a few tips to guide us for next year. It’s too early to pull out the tinsel if: l You still haven’t lost that extra five pounds you gained “giving out” Halloween treats. l Flocks of geese are even now threatening to poop-bomb you. l You’re still picking smashed pumpkin guts from your front steps. l Your decorations will need the Swiffer treatment before December first.  (Of course, a little dust on the ornaments can pass for indoor Christmas snow and add a delightfully festive touch!) Outdoor lights can go up as early as you wish. After all, nobody should be up a ladder stringing LEDs during a snowstorm. But take care in when you flip that switch! If you want a starter pistol for the season, just look for Rudolph, Frosty or the Grinch. CBC can always be trusted to kick-off the holidays with one of the gang. Remember, start too early and you run out of steam – and true holiday spirit – before the big day.  So pace yourself and ignore the advertisers.  Take your cues from nature, the calendar and yes, the networks. Me? I just watch for those singing cats to get their holly-jolly groove on.   Fri, 02 Dec 2011 10:44:49 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/177058/FiTV/Premature-Christmas http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/174566/FiTV/Oops-heard-around-the-world The U.S. election process is becoming more and more like Christmas and hockey.  It seems to start earlier every time and lasts longer that it really should. Right now, the Republicans are frantically trying to find the right candidate to do battle with the Obama machine.  Isn’t it lucky that eight years of Bush helped cripple the economy so badly that the Democrats were left with nothing but hard choices and painful cutbacks in order to rebuild the country? But so far, the Republicans appear to be slowly running out of options. Texas Governor Rick Perry forgot the name of the government department that he wanted to cut. The 50-odd second clip of his mental lapse, punctuated by the word “Oops” has been played, and replayed, on every news forum in the U.S. And it will likely be used for decades by P.R. companies and political strategists as an example of what not to do. But haven’t we all been caught arguing a point, only to momentarily forget a word or name?  Call it what you want: “senior’s moment” or the equally offensive “blond moment,” “mental hiccup” or my personal favourite “brain fart.”  It’s pretty common. And yet, within hours of his gaffe, one of Perry’s top fundraisers sent an email to the Washington Post: “Perry campaign is over. … His policies are a solid roadmap for the economy. But clearly he can’t articulate them in a coherent way.” So they’re willing to throw away “a solid roadmap for the economy” because its author tends to blank on TV? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a Perry fan. Truth be told, I’ve never met a politician that I totally trusted. They’ve got too many balls in the air to give any one its undivided attention.  And I don’t like jugglers. The only politician I’ve ever respected is Jimmy Carter – who I still believe was too good a man to be president. Because of his serious nature and flexible negotiating style, his tenure was considered to be a failure and he lost his 1980 re-election to a slick, confident Ronald Reagan. Yet, thousands of Habitat for Humanity homes built, millions of lives saved worldwide through the Carter  Centre … oh, and a Nobel Peace Prize were accomplished after he left the White House. Meanwhile, Regan was busy with the Iran-Contra affair. Apparently, more than 30 years later, Americans haven’t learned a thing.  Republicans seem more horrified by Perry’s struggle for a word than the accusations of sexual harassment against candidate Herman Cain – who that night referred to former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy.” No wonder I have little faith in politics.  It’s not about the best idea or best policy, but who shines the brightest. And until they find a better way to find the measure of the man … or woman … voters will be like squirrels and go after the brightest nut.   Fri, 18 Nov 2011 11:15:44 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/174566/FiTV/Oops-heard-around-the-world http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/173719/FiTV/Embarrassing-moments-for-600,-Alex It was the moment she’d been waiting for!  She’d studied, memorized, trained, slept and prayed. She was proud of her achievements that brought her back to this place once again.  Then it came: the ­­Je­o­p­ardy! Tournament of ­Cham­pions. Alex Trebek:  If Andy yearns for Brenda and Brenda cares about ­Char­lene who pines for Andy, the three of them form one of these. Kara Spak:  What is a threesome? Er, no. It was likely just seconds later the Upper St. Clair native became the biggest hit on YouTube in … oh … days. The poor woman. And there, Trebek stood, mocking her apparent wealth of … ahem … “experience” on the subject.  You had to feel for her, for her mother in the audience, and for the blood defying gravity as it rushed up to her face.  Then you Google-searched and bookmarked it to share with friends. But should she even be embarrassed? Why bother? In those televised moments, we forget anything we do has likely been done before: a slip of the tongue, a slip of the bra. Just ask Janet Jackson. Sure, Spak’s faux pas was in full HD and recorded in the coffers of YouTube.  But so is everything else and will likely be lost there like the Ark of the Covenant in a ­gov­ern­ment ­ware­house. Besides, we love making fools of ourselves, don’t we?  Isn’t that why the audience dresses up as wildly as possible for Let’s Make a Deal? How else can you explain the existence of The Gong Show?  One could argue they do so in the safety of a crowd of others acting similarly. But time and again, individuals try to shock and outdo each other on The Real World, Survivor, and every Bachelor/ette by being different from the crowd.  Plus, we love watching people screw up. TV’s Funniest Home Videos were at their best when someone got nailed in the crotch or fell on their face.  Really, momentary mental lapse aside, Spak’s brain power could still make most of us feel quite stupid any day of the week.  Her momentary sexual innuendo simply made her a little more relatable. Heck, another Freudian slip like that and she could become a cult hero!    While probably the most embarrassing moment in Spak’s life, her little threesome will fortunately have a life span only slightly longer than a fruit fly. And her name? Forgotten even faster. Unless she wins the Championship. Then it will really go down in infamy.  But I have a better one from the 1980s. In response to a reporter’s on-camera question, a man smiled and told TBT News that he would be conferring with his “liars … I mean, lawyers.”  Now that, had YouTube been present in the day, would have lived on FOR-EV-ER.  So if you know where THAT tape is … Sat, 12 Nov 2011 11:53:17 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/173719/FiTV/Embarrassing-moments-for-600,-Alex http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/172612/FiTV/Politically-correct-Halloween Usually, I enjoy checking out the kids’ costumes as they run down the street on Halloween night, cheerfully collecting treats during this most magical of nights.  This year, I wasn’t enchanted. I was offended.  At least, that’s what I was told I should feel. A group of Ohio University students began a campaign this year against what they called racist costumes – caricatures of cultural stereotypes.  A series of posters, which has made CNN and ABC News, depicts an individual holding a picture of a stereotype usually associated with his or her culture.  An Asian girl is holding a picture of a Geisha. A Muslim boy is holding a picture of a terrorist. The statement beside each: “We are a culture, not a costume. This is not who I am, and this is not okay.” OK, I agree with the Muslim image.  It’s a sensitive subject and not appropriate in today’s climate.  And as any Canadian will agree, we are more than our ever-polite stereotype. So why would anyone want their heritage to be confused with an inaccurate two-dimensional image?  But I have to wonder if these students have become just a little too zealous. I never thought the Asian girl was a Geisha. I thought the Geisha was a Geisha.  That’s a specific role that women lived in Japan.  They didn’t pretend to be them. They were them.  Yes, the picture of someone wearing a colourful poncho, a handlebar moustache and a sombrero is clichéd and not exactly a modern image. But are we really suggesting that every Mexican is dressed like this?  Is the sexy Gypsy an affront to Romanies?  Or the Leprechaun, an attack on the Irish? And where does this stop? Are actors going to lash-out at the Halloween typecasting too?  If I dress up as The Joker, am I risking the ire of Jack Nicholson?  Should anyone decked out as a Hobbit fear attack by a tribe of short New Zealanders? Is every Marilyn Monroe-wannabe in a white dress on the verge of being sued by Norma Jean’s estate?  Maybe we should forego people costumes altogether. Yet I can’t help but worry that the toddler in a Jack-o-lantern suit could cause an uprising in a pumpkin patch somewhere.  You may love the little girl in her pretty butterfly costume, but what of the lowly caterpillar at home? Halloween is about being something or someone other than yourself for a night.  For others, like myself, it’s more about piecing together some kind of outfit with whatever junk you’ve got in the back of your closet.  We’re not trying to offend, just to pretend. But we’ll try to be sensitive to the feelings of others. That’s why next year, I’m going as Barry Third.   Fri, 04 Nov 2011 12:51:38 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/172612/FiTV/Politically-correct-Halloween http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/172181/FiTV/High-class-revenge ABC’s Revenge has become the Dynasty of 2011.  If you haven’t seen it, I’ll draw you a picture.  Set in the Hamptons, there’s a lot of money, cars, and parties and one young woman who is truly above it all.  Emily Thorne, once known as Amanda Clarke, is the daughter of a man framed for a heinous crime and put to death before the truth could be told.  Now she is back in the guise of a wealthy socialite and ready to take down the rich and ruthless who destroyed her father. It’s silly and soapy with hints of The Count of Monte Cristo. It appeals to my sense of justice even though true justice cannot be served in this scenario. Like young Amanda/Emily, I too grew up with the Sunday school teachings about two wrongs not making a right.  But we all yearn for the balance of justice.  And since Amanda’s morality lessons were put on hold by the events that destroyed her family, it appears she had to make her own inner laws. I, like many of you, had forgiveness drilled into me from an early age.  Oh, I plotted and planned as my temper simmered.  But once cooled, my need for vengeance usually disappeared.  (Actually, my plans were usually so pathetic even I couldn’t be bothered to carry them out.)  I must be missing that vindictive gene. Of course, I never lost a parent to a group of scheming vipers. Nor did I have the roadmap to revenge laid out for me by the victim. Which is why not only do I continue to tune in, but I also find myself cheering Amanda on in her weekly attacks.  So far, her methods remind me of the phrase, “hoist by his own petard.”  Each victim is caught in his or her own machinations and simply exposed to the world – or at least to someone else who will take them down. Perhaps there is some justice being served after all. Does this make our “heroine” less guilty? Or me, for that matter, for playing cheerleader? Because I do. I really do. And since I’ve always believed the best television offers some kind of learning experience, exactly what is the lesson here? Never underestimate the power of a good grudge? Perhaps.  Perhaps the true lesson is darker.  Since the beginning, Amanda has been attacking from her own higher moral ground, her sense of righteousness. But already, it’s led to an unplanned death. How far will she fall? “In revenge and in love, woman is more barbaric than man is,” - at least, according to Friedrich Nietzsche.   Many of you might agree. Then again, this was the guy who felt morality was a rule for the average Joe.  Exceptional people should ignore morality and follow their inner law. Wow. There’s a statement tailor-made for the next sociopath.    Wed, 02 Nov 2011 09:37:22 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/172181/FiTV/High-class-revenge http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/170175/FiTV/Logic-before-legal-action Sarah Deming of Michigan is suing distributers of the movie Drive.  According to Ms. Deming, the movie’s trailer misled her about the film’s content and caused her to … wait for it … buy a ticket.  So she’s suing. For an $8 movie stub. Are you kidding me? I saw the ads for Charlie’s Angels and The Playboy Club. They claimed to be fun, stylish, and worth my time.  They were not. My face cream said that women saw an 82 per cent improvement in their skin’s tone and texture after four weeks. I did not. But let’s remember that the purpose of the commercial is to entice you to try a product. They cannot outright lie – but they can leave details open to personal interpretation. Which is why somehow, despite these personal offenses, I have managed to stay out of a lawyer’s office. Ms. Demming’s lawsuit has the same distinctive odour as another infamous lawsuit. Back in 1994, 79-year-old Stella Liebeck spilled her McDonald’s coffee on her lap after trying to pry off the lid while holding the cup between her knees. And her injuries were McDonald’s fault? Well, actually, the coffee case had its merits. McDonald’s coffee was served, as per its policy, approximately 30 degrees Celsius hotter than you would ever make at home.  Ms. Liebeck received third degree burns to her legs and genitals that required numerous skin grafts over a period of two years.  And McDonald’s had already received more than 700 complaints of similarly serious burns from their coffee. In losing the case, McDonald’s finally turned down the burners. Thanks Mrs. Liebeck. So maybe there’s something to this case of the perfidious promotion. A trailer shouldn’t tell the audience everything about the film, but it should give enough to make an informed decision.  Demming thought that Drive was a movie about, well, driving, à la The Fast and the Furious.  Instead, there was limited actual driving and excessive violence in this graphic and raw drama. She has a point. I’ve seen the trailer. With its choice of clips, the blond male star, and skidding cars, it did have an F&F feel.  And it’s unlikely she’s the only one who felt misled. So perhaps the industry does need to be reminded to play fair with its customers. But since we live in the information age, perhaps Demming could have listened to more than the commercials on TV.  Online reviews and cast interviews leading up to the film’s release would have cleared up any misinformation about the movie. The trailer should only be a starting point. After all, my professors always said never rely on a single source.  The information is out there if you’re willing to do a little homework.  And, Sarah, it’s cheaper than hiring a lawyer.   Fri, 21 Oct 2011 12:20:52 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/170175/FiTV/Logic-before-legal-action http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/168810/FiTV/Glee-creator-gets-reprieve It’s no secret that fans were unhappy. After a fresh, fun, and, dare I say, ground-breaking first season, Glee got caught up in its own press.  Big name stars admitted they were Gleeks and asked to appear or share their music.  Suddenly, every second episode had a musical theme or a very special guest star. Worse yet, Glee creator, Ryan Murphy was quoted attacking performers who didn’t want their songs Glee-ified.  Like a Broadway-bound George W., Murphy tweeted daily, claiming that anyone who wasn’t with us must be against us. Now I will admit that Gwyneth Paltrow’s portrayal of Holly Holliday deserved the Emmy.  And I could never turn my back on pint-sized Kristin Chenoweth’s supersized voice.  But Britney Spears was only funny when Britney S. Pierce bemoaned the burden of her famous name.  John Stamos was underutilized.  Carol Burnett’s comedic genius was lost.  Josh Groban’s and Olivia Newton-John’s presence just made no sense. While it’s fun to add star power, Murphy seemed to think it was the only thing bringing fans back each week.  Not true. It was the characters. We loved the naïve Finn who thought he’d impregnated his girlfriend by getting excited in a hot tub.  We found it amusing that the straight-laced teacher would blackmail a football player with medicinal grade marijuana to force him to join glee club. They were awkward (see Finn try to sing and move his feet at the same time), and overbearing (see Rachel do, well, anything), and glorious caricatures of typical students – so sure of what they know and yet, totally clueless.  And in showing the teachers’ oddities and failings too, we often wondered how we survived high school, ourselves.  Unfortunately, by the end of Season Two, Murphy was changing the kids from caricatures to Archie comics.  The bad guys plotted and the good guys suffered through it. But in my experience, high ¬scho¬olers don’t have the complicated-sting-operation gene required to wreak the havoc that Murphy wrote. No, they’re pretty much limited to the Slushie. So I was this close to giving up. Then …Episode Three.  Brittany got a killer song and dance number.  Mike Chang became much more than a back-up dancer.  Mercedes reacted appropriately to two years of playing second-fiddle to Rachel.  And Emma just broke our hearts.  No stars.  No convoluted plots.  Just kids trying to find some way to shine amid a sea of other kids trying to do the same. According to Social Power Rankings, it worked.  Viewers cried.  And it’s been a while since we were emotionally invested in these kids.  So not only did Murphy deliver, but he also got a reprieve.  Now, the question remains: What is he going to do with it?   Mon, 17 Oct 2011 10:18:34 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/168810/FiTV/Glee-creator-gets-reprieve http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/165188/FiTV/Goodbye-to-Kate-...-plus-8 Last Monday night you might have heard an odd buzzing sound. If you listened closely, it sounded like a stadium crowd.  It was the mixed sound of cheering viewers and booing fans as Kate Plus 8 ended its run on TLC.  When the show premiered 2007 as Jon & Kate Plus 8, the Gosselins were our heroes.  Without nannies or fanfare, they managed a family of sextuplets and twins with aplomb. But soon, the house turned into a mansion and the once-endearing germa-phobe drill sergeant began to grate.  Even Jon, who once glowed in the spotlight, had had enough of Kate.  And then came the paparazzi.  Kate claimed to hate the media attention.  So we sympathized as she made her way through talk shows, public appearances and, of course, Dancing with the Stars.  Oh Kate, how we felt for you. And now, according to Kate, “it’s the end of an era.” Um, Katie, honey, 150 episodes does not an era make.  But she’s threatened, er, promised they’ll be back. Jon has suggested that Kate and the kids should focus on a normal life with a regular job, more privacy and less media exposure.  Kate refuses to have such a “mediocre” life. Now, I could point out Kate’s clear disconnection with reality.  She has no talent to parlay into other shows. She has no following beyond her role as a mom of multiples.  She is, in fact, one of the most reviled women on television today.  So what twisted mind would want Kate to headline their program? But I can see her concern with mediocrity. It’s true. Most of us have a mediocre life. And we’re okay with it. But if we could have better jobs, nicer homes, fancier cars, and more cash, we’d grab it.  Shouldn’t little Katie want something better too? Especially when she’s already had the cars, house, clothes, babysitters and bodyguards for a few years now. Can we blame her for wanting the gravy train to continue? And yes, Kate’s behaviour on her own show has not been flattering.  She’s unreasonably demanding and argues with everyone. But when was the last time you or I travelled across the country with eight kids and a production crew in motorhomes that broke down in the summer heat? Would you be perfectly calm? Which is a reminder that most shows would want her to do more than just “what comes naturally.” However, reality TV producers are always looking for the drama.  They encourage the blowouts and over-the-top behaviour. So what’s a gal to do but comply? And now we hate her for it? No, while I too cheered the end of Plus 8 on TLC, I think ol’ Katie is just a misunderstood little girl with big dreams for herself and her children.   And according to Kate, “the best opportunity for all of us would be ME continuing on TV.”  Bless her misguided little heart. Fri, 23 Sep 2011 10:52:24 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/165188/FiTV/Goodbye-to-Kate-...-plus-8 http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/162015/FiTV/A-picture-perfect-hurricane In 1990, I remember coming home and turning on the television to images of the missile strikes during the Gulf War.  It was the first time the violence and devastation of war was clearly shown to Americans and ­Ca­na­di­ans holed up in their comfy homes.  It seems that since those days of shock and horror, we’ve actually started to look forward to the next big devastation.  No, war is a little too violent for most of us. But give us a tsunami or a hurricane and we’re tuned in for the duration. This past weekend, Hurricane Irene was everywhere as eastern states and provinces prepared for the storm – or their version of it.  In New York, Broadway shut down as did public transit. Television studios shut down production. Kenny Chesney’s concert ran one day early in ­Mass­ach­u­setts. Sunday sports moved to Saturday and the PGA Tour played 18 less holes.  Basically, the ­eas­tern seaboard shut down leaving little to do but watch TV. Unfortunately, the hurricane also took over much of the airwaves. Local stations announced updates on evacuations and flooding. CNN, as per usual, promoted every possible worst-case scenario, including the coming of the end.  The Weather Network tracked the storm cell’s speed and intensity with safety suggestions. And the rest of the major networks interviewed specialists who either blamed global warming or compared Irene to Katrina and Andrew, names guaranteed to put fear into the hearts of viewers. So the public moved out of their basements to higher ground and holed up with friends, carrying laptops and any battery-operated communications devices guaranteed to allow them to stay in touch with the media.  They emptied grocery store shelves, hoarding food like they would never eat again. But I have to ask, was the public any better prepared than before?  Thrill-seekers armed with surf boards were still trying to ride a few gnarly waves. Storm chasers were moving in as close as possible.  And the networks were still sending their low man on the totem pole to stand out in the wind and sideways rain to report that nobody should be out in this weather. Oh, it was a fabulous weekend for the media: a major storm with just enough death and destruction to become a political hot potato and create human interest stories for the months to come.  And fortunately, it occurred during the summer season of repeats.  So typically low ratings were inflated and the fall schedule was not disrupted. And the heat was temporarily off Obama for the whole debt debacle. In all, Irene was a rather well-timed and well-behaved storm. Yes, 21 deaths, devastating flooding and 4 million homes without electricity is hardly a happy ending.  But don’t worry. In television, there’s always a plot twist right around the corner. Wed, 07 Sep 2011 12:26:52 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/162015/FiTV/A-picture-perfect-hurricane http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/159017/FiTV/Good-to-be-bad? Since the dawn of time, good and evil have been duking it out.  When the drama wasn’t enough in real life, man began making up stories with heroes and villains.  Guys liked breaking the rules and girls fell for the bad boy.  Of course, in today’s land of equal opportunity, the bad girl has just as many fans.  Why do we love the villain? What is this evil power he or she exudes?  Even those who missed the first season of The Apprentice heard of Omarosa.  She garnered so much water cooler talk (that’s what we used before Twitter) that The Donald invited her back and other reality shows quickly followed.  In the summer of 2000, Survivor’s Richard Hatch made news, not for his intelligence, his keen good looks or even his sunny personality.  No, Hatch gained notoriety for his nudity. And his shortcomings became legendary. These days, instead of real people on television, there’s an abundance of scoundrels.  Even kind-hearted bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love are caught in a web of lies spun by conniving would-be suitors looking for fame.  And we love to catch them in the act.  Sometimes the evil is so big, it takes a united front to carry its villainous load. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were probably very sweet, impressionable, if not overly-indulged, muffin-heads once upon a time.  Then they mated on reality TV and the spectacular “Speidi” was born. The truly bad-to-the-bone villains are literally more colourful than ever. This summer Big Brother brought back the heavily-tattooed and pierced “Evel” Dick and his dastardly daughter Daniele.  There’s nothing subtle about their wickedness. Daniele cackles and conspires with the camera as she plans, plots and perpetrates.  We should hate them. We should demand that they be removed from our airwaves before they give susceptible children and George W. Bush dangerous ideas.  Instead, we revel in their badness. Is it because they do what we only dream of? Forget the rules of polite society. They live for their base needs and give Freud a thrill as they let their id run free.  Of course, much of it is just made-for-TV drama – a fantasy where the rules don’t apply.  Everyone knows a little conflict gets more interest and thus, more airtime. And no one could really be as bad in real life as these people act on the tube.  They’d be penniless, friendless and possibly on a hit list. So we know it isn’t real. But we love the big bad anyway. Then again, the cast of Big Brother is trapped inside a house with nothing to do but drink sauerkraut and horseradish smoothies and play other games obviously devised by 13-year-old boys.  So a few baked brains are likely at this point.     Fri, 12 Aug 2011 16:16:31 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/159017/FiTV/Good-to-be-bad? http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/154994/FiTV/Return-to-Smurf-Village The little blue beings called Smurfs began in 1958 from the imagination of Belgian cartoonist Peyo, a.k.a. Pierre Calliford.  They were a side-note to another story that, with the addition of their own Smurf-tastic language, became a story of their own. Ironically, their lack of monetary economy or social status – okay, Papa Smurf is top dog – and the communal lifestyle in which everyone simply pitches in with what he or she does best, led to criticism.  The Smurfs were labelled as communists and Marxist socialists. Despite the political brouhaha, Smurf fever eventually crossed the ocean from Europe to North America. From 1981 to 1989, kids experienced The Smurfs every Saturday morning on NBC. And now, more than 20 years after their television cancellation, they’re back on the big screen in a live-action and computer-generated film.  I should be thrilled.  Part of me is. But I need to know: What the heck happened to Smurfette? Oh, she’s in the movie, voiced by one Katy Perry – the same overly-endowed singer who was banned from Sesame Street. And the blue gal who could be won over with a simple daisy? She’s dumped the little tent dress and is now in Harper’s Bazaar wearing Marc Jacobs and Dolce & Gabbana.  Instead of her swollen feet puffing out of somewhat grandmotherly heels, Smurfette is wearing stilettos and thigh-high leather boots.      I remember Smurfette as such a sweet girl. Sure, I heard the jokes about the lone female in a village of 100 blue males.  (Although, originally, there was also a Sassy Smurf. So it was more like one in 50.)  I’ve also read the online commentary about all those mushroom houses. And I’m pretty sure that in 1958, Peyo was not trying to lead kids to the magic of hallucinogenics.  However, The Smurfs were referred to as “kiddie cocaine” for ’80s youth by the TV industry. So maybe it’s no surprise that Smurfette is now modelling. After all, the fashion world is long known for its substance abuse.  Now, I realize that long-standing characters must be occasionally updated. Superman, Batman, the Green Lantern – they were all modernized. However, they also lived in the real world where times change.  The Smurfs live in a village in the woods. And while a character’s appearance, too, will change when a new actor is brought in to play the role, these Smurfs are cartoons. Of course, Disney recently updated Mickey Mouse.  They wanted to make him more “relevant.”  Really? A cartoon mouse needs to be relevant? Apparently so. Apparently, a blue cartoon Smurfette that got pre-pubescent boy-hearts pumping in the ’80s, isn’t sexy enough in today’s MTV-fuelled, boobalicious, video gamer world.  And Peyo’s Utopic village in the woods just seems a little tainted. Fri, 15 Jul 2011 14:38:54 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/154994/FiTV/Return-to-Smurf-Village http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/153875/FiTV/Invasion-of-the-Daleks According to Guinness World Records, Doctor Who is the longest running science fiction television show in the world.  Geeks rejoice as it’s also named the most successful sci-fi series of all time based on ratings, DVD and book sales, iTunes and black market downloads. For those of you who have been trapped in a TARDIS all this time, here’s the background.  The Doctor is a time-travelling humanoid alien who explores the universe in a malfunctioning spacecraft – cleverly disguised as an old police box – to save civilizations and fight evil.  His adventures began in 1963 and continued until 1989. Then in 2005, he reappeared. Time travel is exhausting and every so often, the Doctor must go through a regeneration, taking on a new body, a new personality and a new actor. I had a mini-crush on the fourth regeneration played by Tom Baker.  His Doctor was mid-’40s, funny, a little odd and wore a 12-foot scarf.  Unbeknownst to me, there was much controversy in the ’70s attempting to come between me and my totally inappropriate infatuation.  Originally, Doctor Who was intended as a Saturday night family show about science and history.  Instead, it was rated the most violent of all dramas, and critics felt that its frightening and sometimes gory contents were not suitable for children. Yup, that was me – freaked out by killer daffodils, homicidal dolls and blank-faced policeman.  Everything that was supposed to be safe became a source of fear.  But I couldn’t stay away from my Doctor.  And the most heinous of all?  The Daleks. Now before I go any further, I must concede two points: first, growing up, my imagination had a life of its own.  Second, it’s entirely too early in the year to be talking about Christmas.  Back to my point … Originally created as a metaphor for the Nazis, the Daleks lived in a tank-like shell, and with a grating, metallic cry, lived to ­“Ex­term­i­nate!” all other beings.  While I was a little young to catch the historical reference, my fear of the Daleks often joined my nightmares.  All these years later – and a hefty amount of logic-laced therapy – just the thought of their voices sends chills up my spine.  So I was understandably horrified to discover that British toy store Hamleys had recently released a list of must-have toys for this year’s Christmas season.  The top item?  A battery-powered Dalek you can sit in. Okay, probably not you or I. It’s child-sized.  However, guaranteed there are damaged adult psyches out there that will actually try to jam themselves into a life-sized Dalek.  The TARDIS police box? Sure.  But the Dalek? It’s the grand-daddy of all space villains!  And now manufacturers want mom and dad to shell out three hundred bucks to snuggle their precious little one into evil’s belly?!  Are they mad? I’m hoping common sense will prevail once the snow flies. Until then, I’ve done some Googling and I’m keeping ol’ Tom on speed dial just in case.  Fri, 08 Jul 2011 17:24:30 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/153875/FiTV/Invasion-of-the-Daleks http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/150927/FiTV/Taking-a-break- I just came back from a week off.  After a couple of weeks of technical difficulties and extra hours, I needed to get away from it all.  While I had planned on escaping to my cabin in the woods where television doesn’t exist and the phone was only installed a few years ago, the weather did not cooperate and I stayed in town. But my original plan to get away from the world still lived.  For an entire week, I avoided the news, watched nothing but movies and didn’t set foot on the net. Although I saw my neighbours and acted as though I were still part of the world, secretly I had withdrawn. There was a strange comfort in being completely unaware of anything beyond my neighbourhood.  The only people I focused on were friends, family and my pets.  Even the Stanley Cup couldn’t make a dent on my cone of silence. However, on Monday morning when I got up and prepared to return for work, I felt somewhat disconnected. I felt out of step. What had I missed? And was it important? Well, I missed Neil Patrick Harris and the Tony Awards. Thank goodness for YouTube.  I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to Meredith Vieira on The Today Show.  I avoided hearing Sarah Palin dig herself a bigger hole when she explained that during his midnight ride, Paul Revere wasn’t delivering a message to the patriots, but actually warning the British that they couldn’t win. I’m guessing it’s an Alaskan logic. And most thankfully, I missed out on the sudden turn of events with Rep. Anthony’s Weiner.    But did anything really truly important happen that required my immediate attention? The Air Canada strike threat took me by surprise. Okay, it’s Air Canada so maybe not.  In fact, the lack of television, Internet, and general plugging in to the world seems to have had no lasting detrimental effects and saved me from witnessing more people behaving badly. So why was I madly surfing to catch up on the news, gossip and shock talk as soon as I stepped into the office?  My ignorance was truly bliss for that week. But the moment I returned to the world of fast information, immediate updates and constant change, my need to keep up overwhelmed any lingering calm.  I’ve often wondered if we really need that constant feed of information from the various outlets – television, Internet, newspaper, radio, social media. They say the public demands it. Do we? Last week, I proved to myself I could certainly do without even while surrounded by temptation.  But it’s an addiction, no doubt. Maybe there’s an app for that.  Fri, 17 Jun 2011 11:47:39 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/150927/FiTV/Taking-a-break- http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/150052/FiTV/Reality-fishbowl Celebrity Apprentice fascinates me.  It’s interesting to take the animal, Celebritus Americanus, out of its natural habitat and drop it into the fishbowl of reality TV.  They don’t have their regular schedules or personal assistants.  (Well, the personal assistants are there, I’m sure, but not allowed to be hands-on during the challenges.) Left to their own devices, their personal quirks and flaws become blindingly apparent. Last spring ousted former governor Rod Blagojevich proved that he was not only incompetent on a computer, but also couldn’t lead a team or make a decision to save his life.  How in all that is sacred to American politics (which isn’t much) did Blagojevich get voted into office?  Didn’t people realize he was an idiot?  It’s as though someone mistook the court jester for the king.  Of course, in politics, it’s all about the image you sell to your audience.  But it’s not real. And we’re left as the fools who believed. Case in point: George W. Bush. He was elected not once, but twice! Or in Canadian terms: Stephen Harper.  We keep re-electing him and then are surprised at his politics in action. So how do we keep from being fooled by the marketing machines and media hype? How do we find out who these people really are before we make a choice? The answer is simple: Celebrity Apprentice. Drop them in that fishbowl with The Donald and their “true colours” will come shining through.  (Thank you, Cyndi Lauper.) No one would have voted for Blagojevich had his appearance at Trump Towers occurred before the election. Of course, this exercise could certainly be applied outside politics and the Trump franchise.  For instance, Sandra Bullock would have been spared such heartache had she seen more of Jesse James in the boardroom instead of the bedroom.  Employers could weed out the bad candidates by auditioning potential employees on I Wanna Work for Diddy. MTV’s Real World would have decimated the mystique of Reuben Studdard. Before they voted with their heartstrings, American Idol viewers would have realized they want to take care of The Velvet Teddy Bear, not buy his records. Survivor, however, would be saved for special cases.  On that island, Tiger Woods would have been caught dropping his drawers much earlier and the public wouldn’t have idolized him like the second coming.   We would have focused on his golf game, instead of the incessant press conferences and mea culpas that have been popping up like apologetic Tourette’s. We need to know the truth before we give our hearts, our cash or our votes to these people.  And reality TV is just the place to pop the media bubble of celebrity illusion.  Ironically, it does just the opposite to the every day man.  But hey, that’s showbiz, folks. This column originally ran in April 2010. Fri, 10 Jun 2011 15:27:24 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/150052/FiTV/Reality-fishbowl http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/148670/FiTV/Oprah-finale-end-of-an-era So May 21 wasn’t quite the apocalypse as promised. But really, Harold Camping was only off by a few days.  Wednesday, May 25 – maybe not quite the apocalypse, but certainly close. The end of Oprah. And for others, The Rapture. Oprah has spent her farewell season ­look­ing back and giving viewers closure with updates on the people and issues that touched them most. If you love Oprah, it was a gift.  If not, it was a tortuous rehashing of all the things you hate about her. I can understand the love/hate with Oprah. Everything is so over-the-top with her. She doesn’t just get excited.  She throws her arms wide, drops her voice an octave and belts out her words like a frustrated male opera singer.  She parrots her guests’ words like a child in school, smiling with the knowledge that she got an A.  In fact, many episodes felt like she was teaching a class. You got the feeling that Mama Oprah knew all and was always one step ahead of you. But for all her quirks, she has a recognizable need to reach out to others. She’s given away millions in gifts from her “friends” at Target, Lowe’s, Sears and the like.  Of course, friends or not, who would say no to Oprah?  After all, if she has friends in every corporation in ­A­mer­i­ca, she probably has a buddy or two at the IRS. She’s also personally sent tens of thousands of kids to school. And during her second last show, more than 400 men from Morehouse College thanked her for paying for their education and paid it forward by pledging over $300,000 to future scholarship funds.  She built a boarding school in South Africa so that girls could become more than the uneducated baby factories they have traditionally been.  She promoted reading. (Crazy broad put William Faulkner on her summer book club!)  She introduced historical events to the masses such as the Freedom Riders. And she gave individuals a safe place to speak openly about some of the most unspeakable topics in the hopes of helping others.  Her “answers” to life’s problems were sometimes too pat. Made to be digestible to the simple-minded masses, they were not always realistic. But she tried, she cared and she believed in us. Surprisingly, she also acknowledged her numerous mistakes. She cried and hugged and spoke personally about her guests so we knew this was more than just a job.  Oprah often reminds me of the song How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? from The Sound of Music.  “She’d out-pester any pest / drive a hornet from its nest / She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl / She is gentle! She is wild! / She’s a riddle! She’s a child! / She’s a headache! She’s an angel! / She’s a girl!” She’s also done with The Oprah Show. And love her or hate her, she did something good here. And television wouldn’t be the same without her.  Fri, 03 Jun 2011 10:16:16 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/148670/FiTV/Oprah-finale-end-of-an-era http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/146943/FiTV/Fiction-comes-to-life One of my favourite shows of the past season is ABC’s Castle – which I’m pleased to know has definitely been renewed for the fall. It’s funny, twisted and the mystery in each episode is anything but obvious.  So it’s no wonder that ABC has been marketing the heck out of it.  For those of you who have failed to partake in its splendour, the show’s main character, Richard Castle, is a best-selling mystery writer who tags along during crime investigations for literary inspiration.  This has left a lot of room for random product placement during the episodes and a lot of product branding thereafter. Castle’s bullet-proof “Writer” vest hasn’t made the rounds just yet.  But the moniker has landed on a few other clothing items.  And his infamous “I really am ruggedly handsome” claim is appearing on coffee cups and T-shirts.   But in a move that has me questioning reality and expecting to find a portal into John Malkovich’s brain, Richard Castle’s most recent novel has hit the bookstores.  And it’s a hit! Wait. He’s just a character in a show. Doesn’t that mean he’s not real outside one’s television set?  That was one of my first life lessons – well, that and the fact that shows keep going even after I turn off the TV. (Unless you’re a Nielsen family, in which case tuning out really does end a show.)    We all had that real/not real thing sorted out around the time we realized that Oscar the Grouch was just a hand puppet.  What happened? Did all those legs in the Disney on Ice show confuse everyone?  Perhaps, because Castle’s book sits there on the shelf, exactly as it is on television, complete with the dedication, jacket photo and even the much-discussed sex scene on page 105.  So far, three of Castle’s Nikki Heat novels have inexplicably become best-sellers.  And now, Marvel Comics has announced that this fall it will publish a hard-cover graphic novel based on Castle’s previous Derrick Storm novels.  How do you write a comic based on a character from a fictitious series of books written by an author who doesn’t exist? It’s rather Salvador Dali-ish – like one of those illogical paintings of the room where the staircase goes nowhere and the inside wall is actually on the outside.  No wonder mentally disturbed individuals end up stalking and attacking actors outside their home because of what their characters have done on-screen.  We’ve blurred the line between reality and make-believe to the point where there’s little difference. I love the Richard Castle character. But if he develops a life of his own, what’s to stop other not-so-nice characters from stepping out of your TV screen?   What will you do when NCIS’s P2P killer shows up on your doorstep? Or worse, Donald Trump? Fri, 20 May 2011 10:16:41 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/146943/FiTV/Fiction-comes-to-life http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/142988/FiTV/The-great-Canadian-debate I strongly believe if you don’t vote, you lose the right to complain. I also believe if you don’t know the issues and where everyone stands, then you should inform yourself before you vote. So I was pleased to see the leaders from the largest parties were going to debate the issues and get us some answers. Perhaps it was a bit naïve.  But we are Canadian. And it’s tradition. First, we did it in English. Then, we tried again in French. Regardless of the language, the results were the same. Comparing records, it’s obvious the Liberals and Conservatives have both made major mistakes. Sure, the Liberal sponsorship scandal is a thing of the past. It’s also possible the current party just hasn’t had the power to do anything so staggeringly stupid in recent years. After all, power does corrupt. By comparison, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe appear squeaky clean as the resident vote-splitters. Their presence in the game is much like the inclusion of ­“Lak­ehead” and “The ­Lake­head” in the 1969 vote to name our city. They stack the deck for the other guys. Consequently, they can be as offensive, contradictory or holier-than-thou as they like and no one will ever force them to back up their words with action.  As for the debate, instead of clearing up issues and positions, it was, to quote one writer, “a three-on-one assault.” And according to various fact-checkers, regardless of the arguments being tossed between the candidates, everyone was lying to some degree. Or just refusing to answer.  Stephen spoke relatively truthfully but you had to tilt your head and squint to see his perspective. Michael desperately deflected any direct question like it was a flaming bag of poo. Jack interrupted and argued with everyone. And Gilles was … French. It was a lot of talk, names, and superlative adjectives. But without statisticians whispering in your ear, you didn’t know who spewed rhetoric and who just gently glossed over the facts. So what good did it do to take two hours out of our evening to listen?  It’s like the bathroom during my mother’s recent hospital stay. Two industrial-sized rolls were on holders with another on a shelf above. However, you had to pull slowly and carefully to get even three squares before the single-ply tore off in your hands. So while there was a lot of it, what you got wasn’t worth the effort – and most of the time, you gave up trying long before you had enough to get the job done.  What should have been a tool for voters failed to be anything more than a lot of noise. I’ve always felt that despite its flaws, our Canadian system was better than the money and games of American politics. Unfortunately, now I can’t help but think at least the American debates don’t resemble a scene from Celebrity Apprentice. Thu, 21 Apr 2011 16:59:53 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/142988/FiTV/The-great-Canadian-debate http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/136450/FiTV/Alphabet-network's-richest-hour Recently, ABC relaunched Fox’s failed reality series Secret Millionaire.  Originally created in the UK, the show features a millionaire who leaves his or her life for a week to see how the other half lives, with minimal lodging and a few dollars with which to survive. While barely scraping by, the millionaire also works with volunteer organizations. Entering each establishment with a camera crew, Mr. or Mrs. Moneybags explains that they are part of a documentary about volunteerism. After a day or two working with these organizations and learning the stories of the individuals involved, a cheque is presented. It would be easy to dismiss this show as Hollywood’s attempt at humanity. How could these organizations not know what’s going on?  Perhaps they’re laying it on a little thick so they could be on television.  And how nice that a millionaire is getting a $100,000 tax write-off while telling viewers they should be doing more. But while we watch from the comfort of our home, the people showcased are a little too busy to think about television or fame.  They’re just trying to survive – and get a lot of work done. Take, for example, The Love Kitchen. Created in 1986 by twin sisters, this program provides meals, clothing and food packages to the homebound, homeless or unemployed. The now 83-year-old gals (yes, I said 83) prepare over 2,000 meals each week with the help of volunteers. Special Spaces, which designs bedroom makeovers for children fighting life-threatening illnesses, almost shut down two days before filming started.  SS’s founder, Jennifer Swain, a mother of nine (six by adoption), had to put the organization’s truck up for sale and they had no cash for their next project.  A last-minute donation allowed them to film one last bedroom makeover. But it was the gift of $30,000 from millionaire, Dani Johnson, that kept them from closing.  The millionaires who take part in the show must give away at least $100,000 at the end of the week.  But after what is often a very emotional journey, you can see why they struggle to decide how much to give to whom, and why some have gone above and beyond.  However, it’s about more than the financial payoff. The show introduces us to the people running these groups and, moreover, the individuals who volunteer and/or benefit from their services.  It’s humbling to know that while we may claim we can’t afford to help, some of the most giving individuals are those who seem to have nothing themselves.  It’s a lesson that ABC is hoping will take root. Millionaire’s website has background and contact information on all the groups showcased. ABC also encourages viewers to get involved in their own communities. We have a lot of wealth to share that has nothing to do with dollars and cents. As Dani Johnson said, “You don’t need to make a lot of money to make a difference in your community…Give what you’ve got.” Fri, 11 Mar 2011 18:28:34 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/136450/FiTV/Alphabet-network's-richest-hour http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/131857/FiTV/Bought,-sold-and-twisted This past fall, Oprah Winfrey celebrated Thanksgiving with extended family.  She had just learned that she had a half-sister, given away at birth.  While the reunion was certainly a cause for celebration, it raised another issue: how to deal with the press. People in the media are often forced to share their most private moments with the public. Some might say it’s their need for publicity. But is it really? Yes, Oprah broke the story on her own show. Heavy promotion guaranteed a huge audience and media frenzy.  But did she really have a choice? We live in an information age where secrets are almost non-existent and the truth is bought, sold and twisted. Someone would have discovered the story – or parts thereof – and sold it for top dollar.  Oprah believed the only way to protect the truth and her family was to tell the story herself, in her own words and on her own terms. After all, she has been painfully open and honest about her life in the past.  But why did she have to open her life like that in the first place? You might say that as a person in the media she has to accept the lack of privacy as part of the job. And she obviously has.  Instead of fighting it, she beat it to the punch. However, there are 300 million people on Facebook or posting messages on websites which places them in the media too. Does that make their lives fair game?  We used to rail against the invasion of privacy by Big Brother. Traffic cams, bank cams, even security cams should not be watching our every move.  It offended us that computers could collect personal data on our daily lives. Yet their intrusion has now been overshadowed by the sheer volume of cell phones being whipped out to catch any activity and post it online.  Evidently, our privacy is something we hold dear. Other’s privacy? Not so much. Of course, few of us make our living with our media activity. So perhaps giving up her privacy isn’t necessarily part of the job, but a price Ms. Winfrey must pay for her success.  We pay with hard work. Apparently, Oprah’s efforts both at the office and around the world aren’t enough.  So she pays. But what about her family? They had to publicly re-live the loss of one sister to drugs and discuss Vernita Lee’s rejection of her child first at childbirth and again years later. For what were they paying? Yes, Oprah got a ratings boost from the show. And the strategy seems to have worked. In the few weeks since she chose to break the news, the story has been primarily absent from the media.  But what a choice: give away her privacy or wait for someone to steal it.  Fri, 11 Feb 2011 11:24:08 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/131857/FiTV/Bought,-sold-and-twisted http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/131132/FiTV/Just-what-is-normal? I’m forever feeling more than just a generation gap when I see kids texting on their cell phones, listening to their iPods and wearing more expensive brands than I do.  My gut reaction is that this kid is spoiled rotten. Then I realize this kid is just one of many.  So is it the kid? Or am I just behind the times?  After all, children and youth normally follow the trends on television, in the movies and on the Internet. But is the media the best source for identifying what’s normal? The Thunder Bay District Health Unit, St. Joseph’s Care Group and the Boys & Girls Club of Thunder Bay are offering a special presentation for parents called Who’s Teaching Your Kids About What’s Normal? Good question. MTV’s most popular program, Jersey Shore, is about a group of twenty-somethings who like to party.  It’s too simplistic to say that Canadian youths are going to watch this show and duplicate it. They know the stars of Jersey Shore are crossing the line. But do they know where that line actually is? DUIs, public disturbances, and various other charges seem to have little effect on stars or their ability to make money.  Do our youth realize the same behaviour could affect their ability to gain employment, car insurance or even some types of financing?  Reality television rarely focuses on the everyday. Who’s going to watch people playing by the rules and living within their means? The media likes drama and going to the extreme.  Furthermore, advertisers fill commercial breaks with lifestyle images that include their products. Unfortunately, it isn’t your or my lifestyle either.  AOL’s JSYK (Just So You Know) website which targets nine to 15 year olds recently listed Miley Cyrus as the worst celebrity influence of 2010 according to user votes.  Since she’s been ­pho­to­graphed smoking from a bong and performing in lingerie, parents might be relieved their youngsters aren’t impressed by the pop princess.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t want her lifestyle – or her closet. The media offers all kinds of images our youth can aspire to, but no realistic means of acquiring it or the fallout from emulating it.  That’s why the local presentation on Wednesday, February 9 at 6:30 p.m. at the Boys and Girls Club is so valuable for parents.  Visit TBDHU.com for details. And if you think media manipulation just affects the kids, I have a question.  Fifteen years ago, you had coffee at home or poured a cup to bring to work.  Would you be spending five times as much while waiting in the drive-through if Tim’s hadn’t convinced you it was part of Canadian life to bring a cup wherever you go? Tue, 08 Feb 2011 15:06:11 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/131132/FiTV/Just-what-is-normal? http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/129722/FiTV/The-funeral-of-Sgt.-Russell- The death of Sgt. Ryan Russell has blanketed the media in recent weeks. First the incident, then the investigation and finally the funeral. It is a tragedy that has touched many. But something seemed out of place. Toronto Police Chief Blair has been dealing with a public relations nightmare. Since the fateful weekend of the G20 Summit stories of police brutality and unlawful detention have continued to come to light. Some were simply residents who lived nearby. Others were targeted by their clothing. A black t-shirt was enough to get one school teacher arrested. In all, 1,150 protestors and bystanders were detained – the largest mass arrest in Canadian history – most of whom were swept up blocks away from the destruction seen on the news. After being held up to 30 hours without basic necessities, about 70 per cent were released without charge once the summit was over. Little evidence was offered against most of the remaining individuals. The search for the “ringleaders” continues. Chief Blair offered no apology, even making a few false statements to the press. (Did he say that no rubber bullets had been used?) So it’s no surprise that Toronto Police Services have had an image problem along with a few lawsuits. Then suddenly an officer is killed and Chief Blair is back before the cameras. Perhaps I’ve become too jaded, but every time Blair hit the air I felt I was being manipulated.  Every TV station, website, and newspaper received pictures of Russell with his wife and infant son.  Granted, it made for great TV.  So the networks televised the funeral, complete with a police processional that delayed the service by more than an hour.  There, Staff Supt. McGuire spoke eloquently of Russell’s character.  However, he’d met the man only once – once! – during an ill-advised stand-off in which 50 officers and a tactical unit took down an unarmed, mentally ill man in a parked car.  Officers commented on the love and support that flooded the streets. Ironic – isn’t it? – that just months before the streets had been similarly closed off for the summit. It’s been argued that if the widow hadn’t wanted such pomp and circumstance, it would have been a much smaller affair. Perhaps.  However, she certainly didn’t arrange for officers from across Canada to be flown in for the funeral.  And she could hardly be in any condition to veto the plans of the police services who saw Russell as a shining icon for the blue brotherhood. I feel for the Russell family and their terrible loss.  I respect the police who do an essentially thankless job each day. But something went terribly wrong back in June. You could say that recent events brought some perspective and healing to Toronto.  However, expert misdirection and manipulation at the hand of PR magicians isn’t going to do the job.  True healing for the city will require much more than a little TV magic. For more FiTV and full TBTV listings, visit www.tbtv.com . Mon, 31 Jan 2011 10:59:26 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/129722/FiTV/The-funeral-of-Sgt.-Russell- http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/128286/FiTV/Superheroes-fail-on-television Last week, NBC unveiled its superhero series The Cape with a two-hour premiere not once, but twice.  It’s been promoted for weeks and blanketed four hours in just two nights. But that’s no guarantee of success. With a few exceptions, superheroes and television don’t mix: The Incredible Hulk Returns, Superboy, The Flash, Mutant X.  Even Heroes came out of the gate strong but disappointed thereafter. But if we’re not saving the cheerleader to save the world, do we even care? ABC’s No Ordinary Family has had moderate success so far without a pom-pom in sight. So what’s the secret of superhero success? Modern heroes do not come from other planets. They are everyday folk and they do not look for greatness.  It is thrust upon them.   Forget the namby-pamby spider-bite. Heroes are created through an eclipse, nuclear overdose, or, as in the case of the Powells of Family, a plane crash.  After all, something good must come out of an otherwise crappy day. Next is everyone’s favourite part:  the power discovery. I don’t care how old you are. If you found out you could fly, you’d be testing your speed limits with an F-18 too – or chasing trains, breaking things, shooting stuff. And how many of us did just that as children? Or last week? (I was “Oh Mighty Isis!” – As a kid, not last week.) The challenge is learning how to use those powers to help mankind without personal identification.  In other words, time to find a rockin’ costume.  In the case of The Cape, it really is the clothes that make the man – or the superhero.  Without it, he’s just a brawny fighter.  But for the hero who is physically sup-ed up, the outfit is still pretty important window dressing. Bear in mind fabric strength, facial obscurity, and change room requirements. The Clark Kent/Superman thing would never work today. And who could find a phone booth to undress in anyway? Wonder Woman just spun in a circle, but even she needed her privacy. A costume-free hero is do-able.  But that requires some pretty creative alibis to explain the weirdness that ensues. My beloved Buffy was forever battling “muggers” and “rabid dogs.” The biggest task is to combine superhero responsibilities with everyday life.  Employers don’t take kindly to daily disappearances from the Land of the Cubicle. And it seriously complicates one’s social life.  So the hero must be charming, glib, intelligent and great with a punchline. But will our current shows survive the TV kryptonite?  Well, Family does have the added power of actor Michael Chiklis with his sweet dome head that makes you want to rub it and make a wish.  The Cape must make do with ER’s sexy David Lyons minus his Aussie accent.  Ah, the crosses we must bear. For more FiTV, please visit www.tbtv.com . Fri, 21 Jan 2011 12:36:08 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/128286/FiTV/Superheroes-fail-on-television http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/117253/FiTV/Oh,-the-horror! As Halloween slides eerily out of the mist, I’m noticing a different mood this year in the media. Only a handful of programs are ringing in the ghouls and goblins in their own way. Glee is doing a Rocky Horror dress-up. And while I’m certainly excited about this turn of events, I’m still disappointed that neither John Stamos nor Matthew Morrison will be in high heels and garters as the good Doctor.  N.C.I.S. can always find a murder or two on All Hallows’ Eve. The kids in The Office are probably dressing up for work.  And you can imagine the confusion when the trick-or-treating is Outsourced to India. The theatres have the typical slasher flicks opening with Saw 3D and Paranormal Activity 2.  But even they seem to be a bit tired and rehashed.  And online, I’m seeing the typical lists of the top villains, psychos and killers – and who would best who in battle. Sure, they’ve got Norman Bates, Michael Myers and Annie Wilkes.  But then, they haven’t met Colonel Russell Williams. No, Halloween isn’t big enough yet. And I want it. Not the regular me, mind you – the wicked me that listens to the little devil on my shoulder.  Wicked Me wants to see at least one really stupendous spill on Battle of the Blades – preferably by a former NHLer.  And if any show was meant to be the brunt of the Halloween witch joke, it’s Men With Brooms.  A few pranks also wouldn’t be out of the question this week.  While cruel and politically incorrect, I could have some major fun with Ben’s multiple personalities on Shattered.  Dressing up his alternates in various costumes and watching him try to figure out what he’s done each time could entertain me for hours.  Joining in the online battle charge, I’d like to pit ABC’s The View against CBS’s The Talk in an all-out catfight for daytime female supremacy:  the comedians who believe they’re reporters versus the actors and celebrities who believe they’ve got something interesting to say.  Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar may be tough but I wouldn’t turn my back on Sharon Osbourne or Leah Remini in a small room either. Speaking of close quarter combat, Wicked Me also wants to lock TV’s most cranky and annoying doctors, House and Lightman, together in a small room for their two-hour timeslot.  House’s constant lying would make Lightman’s head explode and I’m pretty sure someone’s accent would also resurface during the allowed timeframe.  Meanwhile, Rick Mercer and Ron James would either make an unbeatable combination of wit and mental terror – or they’d drive someone to commit hara kiri. Regardless, Wicked Me wants front row seats. You know, I’m starting to feel a little Halloween-y after all. But maybe it’s just the devil in me. Check out www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings. Thu, 28 Oct 2010 13:11:22 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/117253/FiTV/Oh,-the-horror! http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/107018/FiTV/Local-food-focus-of-TV-documentary Recently, the True North Community Co-operative opened in the Bay Street area offering products from local producers.  It’s part of the push to reduce our carbon footprint and support local business – a sentiment that is growing in Canadian communities and has even shown up on TV. The 100 Mile Challenge is a documentary series in which several families in the town of Mission, B.C., eat and drink only those items produced within a 100-mile radius for 100 days.  At first glance, it just sounds like a little extra work and slightly limited diets. But even on the first day, the participants are stumped. Time to toss the breakfast cereal.  And where did they get that milk, jam, bacon, and bread? Local fruits and veggies seem fairly easy.  But where do you find salt, spices, and wheat?  Forget sugar cane plants in Canada.  So everyone searches for local beekeepers instead.  They can hunt and fish for protein, but do so without their morning coffee fix. – Juan Valdez has failed to move into the neighbourhood. Beyond buying local, the families are also leaning to be more self-sufficient.  Fortunately, one family already lives on their own farm.  Another couple owns the local green grocery. And by teaming up, these Challenge guinea pigs can make their own bread, create their own recipes, and have magnificent community meals together. While it sounds wonderfully Capra-esque, I wonder if society has simply gone too far in the other direction to sustain this kind of “local” lifestyle.  I rarely eat out or buy pre-packaged meals.  I like to cook and find it a lot healthier and cheaper on my budget. But I don’t have time to find a local wheat supplier, plant an herb garden, and churn out some butter to make my own bread.  Of course, due to a broken pipe, my kitchen is also partially disassembled at the moment.  So I’m spending as little time in there as possible. I also won’t give up my Asian green tea.  And unless General Foods lets me move in, I’m not likely to acquire the secret of Fibre One cereal.  But the 100 Mile Challengers prove a point.  It takes the cooperation of local farmers, grocers, and yes, community members to make this workable on a day-to-day basis.  Having to actually work for what we eat makes us more aware of what we’re putting in our mouths.  It’s also obviously a healthier way to live.  (None of the families learned to make chemical preservatives during the experiment.)  Perhaps if we start out small – like a visit to the market – we can make a difference in our community, our health, and our environment.  And if you can find a local green tea producer, I’m on board. Check out http://www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings. Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:54:49 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/107018/FiTV/Local-food-focus-of-TV-documentary http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/103629/FiTV/As-the-world-stops-turning We are, once again, about to bid adieu to a daytime drama.  After 54 years, As the World Turns will stop spinning this September.  While few have lasted as long as ATWT, I do remember a time when every moment from noon to 4:30 p.m. was filled with our “stories” on NBC, ABC and CBS. They covered such potent subjects as love, murder, adultery, kidnapping and babies.  They also dove into magic, alternate universes, demonic possession, mind control and while I’m not positive, there might have been an alien abduction – depending on who you believe. There were spies, millionaires, evil twins and split personalities. And for good measure, we occasionally had a decent discussion on faith, alcoholism, AIDS, cancer and various other diseases.  But over the years, interest – and viewership – has dwindled. In its place, reality TV has become the newest soap opera. And it’s taken viewers to new heights – and lows.  We’ve visited The Hills and Jersey Shores; two shows guaranteed to instil confidence in one’s own moral compass.  We’re hanging out with MC Hammer and his family, Kate and her eight, and Gene Simmons’ family jewels. People are losing weight, building homes, fixing their finances and going to rehab Of course, the newest generation of “stories” is lacking a few key details.  Nobody lies like they do on the soaps.  They lie if they’re pregnant. They lie if they’re not. They lie about who the father is. They lie about who their father is.  They lie about the past. And they lie about the present.  Today’s un-reality TV can’t keep up.  Between background checks and the posts, Tweets and blogs, there’s neither a skeleton nor a closet in which to hide the dang thing.  Current shows also haven’t found that mysterious Swiss boarding school yet.  You know, the one where all the soap opera kids go for six months only to return a decade older. I always wondered what that place served in its cafeteria. That’s some powerful rice pudding.  However, one skill reality TV has learned rather well from the soaps is the art of the pregnant pause. A question is posed or a statement uttered and instead of a response, we get … silence. And … a look. Then … a commercial. It builds drama and tension in many of reality TV’s otherwise uninteresting developments.  Soaps were the engineers of this dramatic tool. But The Young and the Restless writers are the masters. So skilled are they that characters could take a week to eat a ham sandwich.  We need our daytime drama. However, that term no longer applies solely to our beloved soaps. TV is changing. The World will soon no longer turn.  And one day, even Victor Newman will be too old to marry again. Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:50:44 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/103629/FiTV/As-the-world-stops-turning http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/103289/FiTV/Rules-of-dance So You Think You Can Dance is in the midst of its seventh season on Fox. Who would have thought it would last this long?  I couldn’t believe the general public could compare ballroom to hip-hop and choose an appropriate winner.  But what I forgot was that the rules of dance apply to life in general – which basically means if you breathe, you’ve got the prerequisite to judge this show.  I once read that “Life is a dance, from one stage to the next.” So of course, the best guidelines begin with the five basic ballet positions. First Position:  Heels together, a solid turned out base from which all other positions develop.  Open yourself to new opportunities.  Believe that a breakdancer can learn the cha cha or a ballerina can smash a hip-hop routine and magic will happen.  Second Position: Feet apart, turned out, side-by-side.  Nobody goes it alone. Although SYTYCD is a competition, dancers are paired up with someone at their side. And they know:  if you don’t support your partner, you’ve failed one half of your job.  Sure, there will be times when you, alone, must dance for your life. But your partner will always be there to cheer you on.  Third Position:  Feet turned out, one foot partially overlapping the other, heel against the arch; often a transition position for beginners.   There’s no shame in taking baby steps. Choreographers often incorporate the dancer’s own natural movement when teaching a new dance style.  Sometimes, it dilutes the purity of the dance form. But once dancers start broadening their repertoire, they become more confident, discovering there’s nothing they cannot learn. Fourth Position:  Feet turned out and lined up a foot apart in single file; back foot hidden by the front. Let yourself shine.  Each competitor is partnered with an all-star from a previous season. These pros have enjoyed the limelight. However, now they’re backing up the new dancers, supporting them if they stumble but giving them every opportunity to shine for the audience.  Fifth Position:  Feet are completely crossed with the heel of the front foot touching the toe of the back; the base is solid and appears as one. Skill and personality are an unbeatable combination.  Weeks of competition weed out those who slide by on personality and others who, despite incredible technique, leave us flat.  We’re left with a clear winner who gives heart, soul and body to the dance. This is the performer we want to see again and again. SYTYCD continues to be a fan favourite because whether or not you know the names of the steps, you understand their language, their point.  It’s as much about life as it is about dance.  Because just like life, “Dance is the only art in which we ourselves are the stuff of which it is made.”  (Ted Shawn)  Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:19:42 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/103289/FiTV/Rules-of-dance http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/95933/FiTV/Wipeout-therapy Remember as a kid jumping two feet into the deepest mud puddle you could find? Remember the thrill of the perfect cannonball into the pool? These memories are why those who have been exposed to ABC’s Wipeout love it so. This is a rather silly game of oversized and well-padded obstacle courses in which players get knocked around, do face plants, and generally wipe-out before bouncing back up and trying again (the clock is ticking, after all). And why? Well, the cash prize is a pretty good incentive. But what’s in it for the viewers? Childhood. Wipeout appears to tap into our cerebral cortex, mining for those childhood escapades that had our parents promising punishment and the mental health department threatening a 72-hour assessment. Others just say it’s cool! Which is why after watching just one episode, potential contestants are lined up to play. Wipeout is more than a game. It’s a social project that has infiltrated the dating world. Imagine you’re dressed up, hair done and extra schpritzed for that all important first date. Make that, first blind date. And instead, you’re pummelled, bounced around and thrown in water while your potential paramour yells at you. That’s what they did to 12 couples. Producers will also do their best to undermine the most delicate of institutions with the "Family Edition." Likely the women’s movement will also take a hit on "Ladies Night." And now, with a splat, it’s rolled over the Canadian border. Why? Well, Americans might be the Lords of the Stupid Stunts, but Canucks have harder heads. We send our kids out to play hockey for hours in sub-zero temperatures on frozen ponds to toughen up. Throwing rocks Then we throw rocks at other rocks and scream while furiously sweeping a perfectly clean sheet of indoor ice. In spring, we jump into still-frozen lakes because a crowd gathered to watch. With a little heckling and one verse of "The Cat Came Back the Very Next Day," we’ll leap head first into anything. Yes, if anyone has the psychosis to sign up for a show that requires taking repeated hits and coming back for more, it’s Canadians. Egging on Wipeout Canada’s chumps – sorry, contestants – will be Jonathan Torrens (Street Cents), Enis Esmer (The Listener), and Jessica Phillips (actress, probably still lives at home). Applications must be completed online at wipeoutcanada.com before the July 1 Canada Day deadline. Then "lucky" Canadians will get to jump on the Red Balls, attack the Pitch Fork, thrash the Fence Flapper, smash the Smack Wall Sweeper, and basically, go medieval on that course’s … uh, patootie. Or, like most, they’ll just become a human pinball. But Canadians can take it. Meanwhile, I’ll hunt up more contestants. I’ve got an anger therapy class and a politician on speed dial. Check out http://www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings.   Fri, 11 Jun 2010 09:37:44 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/95933/FiTV/Wipeout-therapy http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/94767/FiTV/TV-on-the-big-screen This past week saw the release of the much anticipated and heavily promoted Sex and the City 2. As a fan of the TV series and the first movie, I was a little worried about Part Deux. According to the reviews, I had just cause. I always worry when producers take a bona fide hit from one genre and move it into another.  Kiefer Sutherland’s 24 is only temporarily retired, with plans for a big screen version already in the works.  The series originally began with a somewhat realistic minute-by-minute storyline that lasted a true 24 hours. So it’s been disappointing to see them season after season veer further away from this format.  Sure, it was still 24 hours of television. But the plot has been filled with approximately six months of activity. And now it has to happen in two popcorn-soaked hours? And what were the folks at Saturday Night Live thinking when they agreed to put MacGruber in theatres?  It’s consistently one of the show’s weakest skits and yet they tried to stretch 90 minutes out of it. The MacGruber mullet cannot carry the laughter for that long. Yes, Star Trek, Batman, Spider-Man, and even Charlie’s Angels (once) made for some pretty good movies. But they were respectful of the original, simply amping it up for the larger screen.  This is why most TV-to-film productions like Starsky and Hutch, Dukes of Hazzard and even Bewitched fail. They take the series in a totally different direction and forget the original purpose of the show. They lose the motivating factor in the characters and the heart of the story. Of course, once in a blue moon, a film makes the transition to the small screen to become something far bigger and better.  While 1992’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a campy flick and minor hit, its TV version was an all-out cult classic. It spawned a spin-off (Angel), an online community of followers and a weird teenage love/obsession with vampires. Friday Night Lights is a book that became a film that became a much-loved series on NBC – despite poor commercial ratings.  But it also has a key component. Because the same director worked on both the film and the TV series, stories that were dropped from the book for the film have been explored in detail in its television counterpart.  See? Television has the capacity to do so much more than film. It takes characters and manipulates, explores and even expands them.  Why take a multi-faceted character and multi-levelled storyline and force it into a restrictive two-hour plot? So will 24 fall victim to its film version or become bigger and better?  Only time – and box office receipts – will tell. Thu, 03 Jun 2010 11:09:31 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/94767/FiTV/TV-on-the-big-screen http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/93931/FiTV/Goodbye-to-Law-&-Order It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I knew it was coming and yet, part of me didn’t want to accept it. Still doesn’t. How do you let go? And worse, how do you move on?  My shows are ending – some for the season and some forever. And I’m left … bereft.  Perhaps I’m over-reacting, but Law & Order and I have been together for 20 years. I’ve seen every episode – most several times over. And now, it’s gone. Like my dedication and loyalty meant nothing.  Of course, there’s the teasing hope of Law & Order: Los Angeles this fall, but it won’t be the same. It never is. And how do I open my heart to another set of assistant district attorneys and cops who will come and go without notice? I’ve also had to say goodbye to Jack Bauer (24), the Oceanic Six (Lost), my favourite FBI mathematicians (Numb3rs) and even Simon Cowell. And what happens to my now cancelled little Ghost Whisperer? Oh, the studios argue falling ratings, stories finishing and contracts ending. It’s almost as though my feelings didn’t even count.  They say I’ll find another show. Well, I tried that. This past year I was lured into The Deep End and became entranced with The Forgotten. Then ABC quietly axed both once their season had ended.  CBS dumped the fledgling Miami Medical in favour of a reincarnated Hawaii Five-0. Now, I love Alex O’Loughlin as much as any breathing woman, but does anyone remember 2007’s Bionic Woman?  Knight Rider 2008?  You cannot remake a classic cheesy series successfully. And Hawaii Five-0 without Jack Lord is like Are You Being Served? without Jack Inman’s Mr. Humphries and Mollie Sugden’s Mrs. Slocombe.  So if Alex can’t fill the hole in my heart where my fallen Heroes used to be, who can?  The networks new fall schedules are out, showing loads of new programming. How many get aired past Episode Three is yet to be seen. And that’s the part I hate. It’s TV’s version of the third date rule: “If you don’t have the tingles by then, forget it. Move on.”  It’s so … heartless. But that’s this fall. I still have to get through the lonely summer months.  And as satisfying as it is to watch ABC’s Wipeout contestants face plant on the world’s largest obstacle course, it cannot take the place of my lost loves.  And this is so not the time to rely on Coronation Street. I can, however, take this time to put myself out there and introduce myself to some faces I’ve seen in passing but never truly met.  Lifetime’s Drop Dead Diva and TNT’s Hawthorne are making their way to Global Thunder Bay this June. So I guess it’s time I went back out there. A new love awaits. Fri, 28 May 2010 08:35:18 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/93931/FiTV/Goodbye-to-Law-&-Order http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/93211/FiTV/Death-too-easy-on-TV This past week, I said goodbye to a friend; a dear man who meant a lot to many people. Losing someone, regardless of the warning signs or the time to prepare, is the hardest part of life. Ironically, the season finales are kicking in on television, as many shows wrap up their storylines just in time for the summer.  Consequently, writers are killing off characters or leaving them hanging by a thread to await their fate in the fall.  It’s a powerfully dramatic tool intended to boost ratings and keep us enthralled – at least until fall. When did we become so cavalier about death? Personally, I blame J.R.. It was the season finale shooting of Dallas’ J.R. that made the cover of People Magazine in the summer of 1980.  Theories were formulated around the water cooler – in the days before water bottles were filling up landfills – and betting pools started, even among those who had never watched the show. And thus, the cliffhanger was born.  Everyone in Hollywood wanted a piece of the action. And what better device than the question of life or death? Years of fires, car accidents, explosions, and gunshots followed.  It was practically a plot prerequisite. Private Practice pulled off the ultimate coup. They killed a beloved character without interfering with the incestuous bed hopping that had been the focus of the show’s storylines this year.  However, it was totally unnecessary. The character could have just gone off to med school as planned and never come back. Instead, the writers took a cheap shot at our heartstrings and executed a widowed father. However, the media’s close scrutiny of the studios has taken some of the shock and awe out of this dramatic device.  Rob Lowe’s announced departure from Brothers & Sisters in January almost guaranteed his character’s spring demise. Since Robert and Kitty had renewed their wedding vows and kicked cancer’s butt, the writers could hardly have him just walk away.  Maybe he’s not really dead – perhaps Kitty will wake up to find him in the shower. Of course, that’s more along the lines of the soap opera method of writing. Kill’em off; then bring’em back from the dead.  And yet Lost has been killing its characters for years.  As it finally winds up the series, each new death brings fewer tears and just makes us wait for the next dramatic twist that will bring them back. More and more we hear from experts and studies about our desensitization to violence due to its excess in the media.  So I have to wonder, sometimes, if we’re raising generations who will also be ill-prepared for the personal loss of death.  If it’s never really “real,” what happens when it finally is? Check out  www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings.   Fri, 21 May 2010 16:05:18 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/93211/FiTV/Death-too-easy-on-TV http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/91240/FiTV/A-Golden-icon This Mother’s Day weekend, Betty White is breaking new ground.  After being asked three times during her career, the 88-year-old actress is hosting a special Saturday Night Live along with several former SNL cast members of the mom persuasion. According to White, she is “scared to death.” Of course, she has a mountain of fan support in this endeavour thanks to a Facebook campaign. And a Snickers bar. The now infamous and worldwide Super Bowl commercial solidified the resurgence of her popularity.  Betty’s as hot as ever. And why not? She’s likeable, funny and very cute. But I have difficulty associating her with Mother’s Day. Grandma, maaaaay-be. Mom? Not so much. Okay, yes, you generally need one in order to do the other. But to me, the younger White will forever be Sue Ann Nevins. And The Mary Tyler Moore Show’s Sue Ann was devious and the “neighbourhood nymphomaniac,” not maternal.  Betty never had the iconic mom role.The next time she was in my living room on a regular basis she was Golden Girl Rose Nyland from St. Olaf; ditsy, naïve, and looking for love.  I couldn’t help compare my big Swedish grandmother who was smart as a whip, a skilled seamstress, could knit a bulletproof vest and never measured when she baked.  And unlike White, had grandma been presented with a male stripper on The Ellen Degeneres Show, she would have whipped out a measuring tape. And starting making pants and a shirt for the boy. Not asked to take him home. But that’s the kind of gal White portrays. Feisty to the end, she’s fed a giant crocodile in Lake Placid and gone on an Easter egg hunt for Sandra Bullock’s boobs in The Proposal. Even her Snickers commercial was a little racy. Yes, I’m pigeonholing grandmas everywhere. So sue me. I like my illusions and delusions. And I like Betty White. She’s the kind of gal I’d like to grow up to be one day.    According to one writer, she has “the cool factor,” always saying what’s on her mind. Don’t most seniors?  Spend some time really talking to them and you’ll be surprised.  It’s how, at 17, I unwillingly got the story of my mother’s conception from grandma.  No, Betty has simply made it okay to get older.  Instead of being packed away for retirement, she’s proving to younger generations that age doesn’t make you less interesting or entertaining. But to have her as a grandma? I’d be scared to death.  Or perhaps just scarred.  I am, however, curious to see what SNL and Betty have up their sleeves for this weekend. You can guarantee it will be neither June Cleaver nor Grandma Moses. Hopefully, it will honour moms – and grandmoms – everywhere. But I’d still like to see a batch of homemade cookies in the mix. Thu, 06 May 2010 14:03:04 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/91240/FiTV/A-Golden-icon http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/86768/FiTV/Step-into-the-Dragon's-Den We all dream of the day all our money troubles disappear.  Unfortunately, winning the lottery is easier said than done. And financial stability takes a lot of work. But if you have an idea and are willing to put in the effort, you could make it big.  Dragons’ Den is coming to Thunder Bay on April 8 as part of their cross-country tour to find the next big business idea.  If you’re not familiar with the program, Canadian entrepreneurs pitch their business ideas to five successful business experts. The goal? Get some financial backing to develop and market their product.  It takes a solid knowledge of your market, hard proof of the product’s saleability and realistic projections. The puffed-up Dragons (Sharks in the U.S. version) certainly love to make desperate entrepreneurs dance to their tune. They’ll question the numbers, try the product and fan their own egos with quick and condescending comebacks. You could easily dislike them. Except it’s their money they’re potentially risking, and occasionally, they do offer suggestions, if not the cash.  But what else are 1.5 million unemployed Canadians supposed to do?  The economic troubles of the past year have brought out a lot of entrepreneurial spirit.  Instead of being ultra-conservative with their futures, Canadians are taking a “nothing left to lose” mentality. According to associate producer Rich Maerov, the economic climate is “instigating some thinking outside-the-box.” Now before you start checking your make-up or plotting a big splash at the local audition, be aware:  the Dragons, themselves, will not be there. Producers are visiting 40 cities, allowing people to audition and pitch their ideas. If you impress them, then you can prepare to meet the big dogs, er, Dragons.  Now, what are the odds that your idea will not only get you past the associate producers but into the Den itself and then, get you some cash to go forth and multiply it?  Probably less likely than a kid’s dream of some day joining the NBA or the NFL. In Thunder Bay alone, hundreds of people will think they’ve got a cool idea or business that could use some cash.  But only several dozen may decide they have the time to put together a presentation. And just a few may be invited back to present to the Dragons in Toronto.  Since the show started in 2006, we’ve only had two local businesses visit the Den. But now, the Den’s coming to us.  The auditions will take place at the Prince Arthur Waterfront Hotel & Suites between 11 a.m. and 6 p.m.  You must bring a completed audition consent and release form from the CBC Dragons’ Den website.  Sure, the odds of success aren’t great. But what have you got to lose? Check out www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings. Mon, 05 Apr 2010 19:37:35 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/86768/FiTV/Step-into-the-Dragon's-Den http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/85537/FiTV/History-comes-alive Who are you? In TV-land, those three words could easily be answered with:  a) your evil twin;  b) an alien invader;  or c) I’m Batman.  Recently, however, the answers have become much more complicated on the new NBC series Who Do You Think You Are? The premise is that celebrities search out their family genealogy. Not exactly a ratings blockbuster until you realize that they are about to rediscover history.  Ah, history class. I fondly remember many a good nap there.  What could be duller than memorizing names and dates of people who died far too long ago for the teenage brain to care?  This is, of course, why I don’t strangle my niece when she tells me how boring history is while we’re discussing her homework.  Yes, names and dates are dull. It’s in the people that the drama unfolds. But we often find it difficult to relate to historical figures. They truly are just a name and a date. Who Do …? focuses on those relations. The series actually began in the UK on BBC in 2004 and was an immediate hit. In 2007, CBC aired its own version, delving into the backgrounds of famous Canucks such as Margaret Trudeau, Don Cherry and Chantal Kreviazuk. And now on NBC, the treasure hunt continues with Sarah Jessica Parker, Lisa Kudrow and Emmitt Smith among others.  Parker confronts frightening details about the Salem witch hunts when she discovers her ancestor was one of the last women accused in October 1692, only escaping death when the trials ended a week later. Lisa Kudrow learns about her great grandmother’s murder by Nazi soldiers during a WWII genocide in Ilya. Like many Eastern European Jews, the rest of her history is lost. But she finds her grandmother’s final resting place – a mass grave – and a long-lost relative who meant so much to her father. Emmitt Smith’s search focuses on the slave trade; how people were sold like cattle and families were torn apart. Smith even manages to trace his roots back to a town in Africa. For one hour, history comes alive because it belongs to someone we know. Unfortunately, the show often turns into a giant ad for Ancestry.com.  But the experts our celebrity gravediggers meet truly open our eyes to the world in which these people lived.  Of course, the show’s website offers links to Ancestry.com for those inspired to do a little searching of their own.  Locally, Dave Nicholson offers tips, links and services ( http://my.tbaytel.net/pafwinfo/ ) specific to our area.  A program such as Who Do …? could be the key to breaking through the apathy that often exists regarding history. And if it inspires interest in a teen or two, I know a history teacher who would be thrilled. Check out www.tbtv.com for more FiTV along with complete TB Television program listings. Thu, 25 Mar 2010 15:11:47 GMT http://www.tbnewswatch.com/Columns/135/85537/FiTV/History-comes-alive