I have trouble relating to the financial gurus and self-made millionaires who offer investment advice to average Canadians over the airwaves.
They formulate their opinions using economic indicators such as the GDP, the Consumer Price Index, housing starts and unemployment figures, to name just a few.
Based on that information we are encouraged to buy, sell and trade our way to economic prosperity.
If only it were that easy and we had a few grand to invest we could take advantage of that inside information to make our fortunes.
But most of us are just ordinary people who don’t really understand the inner workings of high finance. We need some economic indicators for the common man.
Fortunately there is more than one way to study the economy to decide how we should change our imaginary stock portfolios.
For example, shrewd investors never make a move without first consulting the Buttered Popcorn Index.
During an economic downturn many people get sad, lonely and depressed and go to the movies to escape their harsh fiscal reality.
During the last recession, box offices reported record profits. Cash-strapped investors were busy eating popcorn while watching Star Trek and Zombieland at the theatre.
There is also something called the First Date Indicator. During a recession many sad investors seek the comfort and excitement of a new romantic entanglement.
Online dating activity goes way up as the market goes down. First-daters often take in a movie and chow down on some buttered popcorn while they wait for things to improve.
The Diaper Rash Indicator arises from young families trying to save money by changing baby’s diaper less frequently.
It has been noted that during tough economic times there is often a decrease in sales of disposable diapers.
Sadly for babies, as the sale of diapers drops, the sale of medicated cream goes up.
A struggling economy means more uncomfortable baby bums.
Parents with young kids can use the children’s menu to judge for themselves how well the economy is doing. Check out the declining quality of the kid’s meal freebies.
During the last recession one restaurant reduced the number of free crayons by half.
This was a blow to creative, young artists everywhere not to mention an indication of hard times for investors.
One old reliable economic indicator was discovered about the time miniskirts were invented. One observant investor came up with the Skirt Length Index.
He astutely noted (I’m assuming it was a man) that the stock market rose and fell with the hem of lady’s skirts.
Shorter skirts and longer legs always indicate that things are looking up.
The male equivalent is called the Men’s Underwear Index, based on the fact that men buy about 3.4 new pair per year.
Contrary to their mom’s advice, many men will make do with flimsy, worn out underwear at the best of times but when times are tough, they really let the foundation garments slide.
Ladies can use this information for their investment portfolios but it also gives them an opportunity to check out a man’s economic “situation.”
A quick glance at the undies reveals all.
Unfortunately, by the time you get a good look at a dude’s gitch, you may have already invested too much.
Some long-term investments should be considered very carefully.
As for me, high finance still boggles my mind. I tend to rely on very simple economic indicators.
Whenever I open my wallet I look to see if there are any moths flying out. So far, so good.
But just to confirm that, I better have a good look at my underwear.
